Written by Erskin Quint
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Saturday, 18 December 2010

image for Kristen Stewart Has Issues With Just Who Bella Is
A Fine Llangollen Rain Coats The Mullioned Windows of Yestynn Glynngiuobb Rag And Bottle Emporium

Twilight's hot vampyre chick Kristen Stewart and her hunky hero Robert Pattinson have been filming some super steamy and satanically sexy honeymoon scenarios for the upcoming Breaking Dawn movie.

But while such scenes were a cinch for the toweringly-talented toothsome twosome to shoot, there have been more serious challenges for the world's favourite fiendish friends.

Indeed, Kristen has been pushed to the very limits of her capabilities at times, and Robert has frequently been reduced to the state of a gibbering wreck by the strain of it all.

Annie Nindustreeincidah, an industry insider who is on intimate terms with Breaking Dawn supremo Manny Ferroldrope, told us that people in the wider world often fail to realise what their movie star favourites actually go through when making a film. It is only those involved in the process who know the often-unglamorous truth.

"Folks in the wider world often fail to realise what their movie star favourites actually go through when making a film", she revealed. "It is only those involved in the process who know the often-unglamorous truth", she added.

"During location shooting in Llangollen, Wales, England, for instance, Kristen had like major stresses. She had many sleepless days and times when she was focused so hard on like wanting to be there, you know?

Kristen would say 'I don't know who Bella is to me, any more. I don't know who I am to Bella. Who is Bella? Is she me? Am I her?' In so many ways, I think she thinks that Bella is not her, you know, as if Bella weren't really there, but she is, you know? And because she is there, and here, it's kind of hard to find room for Bella to be here and there at the same time, especially when she's trying to put herself where Bella is, and vice versa."

Annie Nindustreeincidah said that Kristen would beat herself up about who Bella was and who she was herself when she was trying to find Bella, who would often not be there: often all she would find would be herself when she searched her soul for Bella.

"Often, all Kristen would find would be herself, when she looked in the mirror, or when she searched inside herself. She would say 'it's like I'm in the way, and the only way to get me out of the way is for me to leave the room. But then all there is is an empty room, and there's nothing to film. So I have to go back into the room, 'cos that's where the, like, cameras and stuff are. And then I am right back where I started.

"'The only way I can get away from myself is by going to look for Bella', Kristen would say. 'But, since I can't find Bella, because I just don't know who Bella is to me, that doesn't solve the issues. I just get back to the situation where I end up back with myself.

"'There I am, standing outside the room again, in the middle of a sewage farm in Llangollen, Wales, England, in the rain. So I have to try to find my way back to the set, to get back in the room again, to start again.'"

And that is where the real problems have begun to begin for Kristen, and, by association, Robert, and, by further association, the rest of the movie-making team, Annie Nindustreeincidah explained.

"That is where the real problems have begun to begin for Kristen, and, by association, Robert, and, by further association, the rest of the movie-making team", she explained.

"Kristen would say 'I stand outside, in the middle of downtown Llangollen, Wales, England, and I can't find my way back. I'm, like, in a concept of, huh? Like, what? How did I get here, you know?

"'It's a concept of, like, huh, and I can't read those street names. I mean, I'm like at the corner of Cwmghaghlagch and Pwytherrchgwyllimgglub or somesuch. What is that? And those stores! Man, what is Prytherch Haberdashers, or Yestynn Glynngiuobb Rag And Bottle Emporium? I'm like, help! Wales has got, like, Prince Chuck, and he seems nice, for an old guy, but, like, "where are you, Chuck, when I need you, man?" I mean, I want to find Bella, and who she is to me, but I really want to be there, to never leave a scene undone, and all this Wales, England schtick, it's like, too much, at that moment, in the moment.'

"So Kristen would call Robert, and Robert would have to come away from polishing his new Antique Bike, and speak to the director, and they'd have to send one of Kristen's make-up team out, with a supply of Immodium and an 18th century Leather Bucket full of Georgian Lead Face Whitewash, to rescue her."

And Robert Pattinson, it seems, was not immune to the effects of wear and tear.

Annie Nindustreeincidah once more takes up the strain, sorry, tale. "Robert Pattinson, too, has not been immune to the effects of wear and tear. With Rob, too, there was a similar spiralling that would occur.

"He has taken to riding his antique bike round the Llangollen, Wales, England neighbourhood, which, when you factor in the age of the bike, and its primitive controls, and the strangeness of the Wales, England landscapes, and Robert's inexperience at handling an 1819 velocipede, is pretty much a recipe for disaster in anyone's language*.

"And, sure enough, there came the day when Robert lost control of his Dandy-Horse or Laufmaschine on Clympglmpff Hill and came careering down, and could not stop, those old 1819 brakes having seen better days and not being designed for hills anyways. He crashed right through the Reality Barrier that always surrounds the Twilight sets, and hit the portable chemical toilet in which Kristen was having her lunchtime pout, preen and futile pretend-defecation."

Robert, on his Dandy-Horse or Laufmaschine, hit the portable chemical toilet broadside on, so to speak, it would appear to transpire.

And so there they were, in the clammy Wales, England, mists, with a fine rain a-falling that looked as though it might well turn into sleet: Robert Pattinson, with his Dandy-Horse or Laufmaschine lying in the lee of a stricken chemical toilet hut, himself spreadeagled on the tarmac, head thrust inside the toilet itself; and Kristen Stewart, on her back, legs akimbo, knickers around her skinny ankles, the contents of the chemical toilet all over her elegantly constipated body.

And there we must leave them all, good people, as we return to the harsher realities of our own daily life and death struggles. But as we go, we have the voice (and you can still hear, behind the affected California Whine, the authentic Boise, Idaho "non-accent" attempting to assert itself) of Annie Nindustreeincidah, sounding in our ears:

"Folks in the wider world often fail to realise what their movie star favourites actually go through when making a film. It is only those involved in the process who know the often-unglamorous truth."

And when the Twihards watch Breaking Dawn, the images they see will bear little relation to those we have just conjured up. They won't see Robert Pattinson, his antique bike in the lee of a stricken chemical toilet hut, his head wedged through the soiled seat of the toilet itself. Neither will they envision Kristen Stewart lying on her back on the tarmac in a fine Llangollen rain, her legs in the dank air and her taut knickers binding her splayed ankles.

But perhaps 'twas ever thus. For, did not T S Eliot say, in Burnt Norton:

Go, go, go, said the bird: human kind
Cannot bear very much reality.


* "recipe achos aflwydd" is how the honest Rag and Bottle merchant of Llangollen's Llantynsyfferchershllym Street would express it

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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