Written by Neil Levine
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Wednesday, 3 August 2005

image for Nicole Richie Hooks Up With Paris Hilton
Nicole Richie's New Look

Nicole Richie, who knows Paris from way back in the old neighborhood of Sherman Oaks or Bel Air or Vegas or Montclair or someplace cool like that, has found a new job as Paris Hilton's side kick.


The job may require patience, no thought whatsoever, a lack of tact, the ability to rush through tasks with the speed of an air brush and survival skills unmatched in modern interpersonal irritability.


"We've already done three seasons that were total blasts. Where else can I be a total Princess in a world short of princess moments and not worry about Prince Charming? Where can I get my picture taken totally live and in person? "


"Now I can keep building my resume until I amount to something, if anything worthwhile pops up. All I've got down are a few cameos and stand ins whereas Paris attracts attention wherever she goes as if she were the Queen of Style so I've got a ways to go just to catch up. Although I love ketchup! I don't use it on French crullers."


"I've already tried singing, dancing, commodity dealing and now I can pretend I'm acting, something I don't have to do since I can act like I'm having a good time."


"I just had my first roll and I thought I could butter it up more and I am sure it won't be my last if I get another and another and ANOTHER! Being in a role is like eating Turkish taffy topped with cream cheese and then dancing all night. Groovy. Just groovy."


"I'm already getting ahead of myself, but don't forget I can be a fast woman. I admit we're considering a range of possibilities for next season from sneaking into the movies to living with Mr. And Mrs. Hilton on a tenderfoot ranch to talking to Barron or Conrad Hilton in a hospitality Suite catering to our every whim."


"But first the twenty Foxes at Fox have told us we're going to have to get our Act together so don't wait up or lose any sleep over this shtick since I'm going to have to stick with the basics. You know the ABCs. or the NBCs, whatever."


"Remember I sing better than Paris. I dance better and I TOTALLY wear sunglasses bettah! A skill I picked up in Beverly Hills and never lost."

"In fact, I am looking into selling sunglasses at an Embassy Shop. That should make plenty of dough."


"Hey, wanna see my tattoos?" I've got nine live ones and am thinking of more."


"Gotta go now. Going to put on an act! Cool!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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