Canadian pop sensation Justin Bieber, white trash exotic dancer-in-training Miley Cyrus and serial dater Taylor Swift swept the American Mediocrity Awards last night. The singers in the last year have taken over $1 billion from the parents of shrieking preteens. The American Mediocrity Awards are given annually to those in the music industry who are most attractive, most saleable and least offensive to the music buying public.
Judge R. Kelly presented Miley Cyrus with the "Best Use of Skin By An Underage Artist In A Music Video" award. "It's a shame you'll be legal soon," said the pedophilic singer, "Could you put on the wig one more time? Please?" Cyrus, obviously enjoying the creep's advances refused but then did a striptease while singing a Hannah Montana medley, her leering father Billy Ray enthusiastically applauding in the audience.
Taylor Swift won "Country Artist Who Has Done The Most To Debase The Genre" award. Country music evolved as a way for the poor, downtrodden and uncared for to explore the darkest corners of the human soul and outermost reaches of human suffering. Songs about men broken by the bottle, elderly cast aside by a world with no use for them and women made old before their time by childrearing, toil and poverty have given way to Swift's "Big Night Blues," 2 minutes and 33 seconds of the singer lamenting the appearance of a pimple on the night she is to be crowned prom queen.
17 year-old Justin Bieber won several awards including "Best Shemale Vocalist" for his song, "I Just Haven't Hit Puberty Yet, OK?"