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Monday, 22 November 2010

image for I'm A Celeb - Gillian McKeith Threatens To Whup Linford Christie's Ass
If You're Gonna Eat Me....At Least Use Good Gravy...Bastards

Breaking news from the jungle in Australia, where the 'I'm A Celeb' stars are battling it out with Arse and Feck for the world 'How To Mess Up A Weekend Even Worse Than The X-Factor' title:

Gillian McKeith, the renowned Scottish turd analyst, and oft nominated bush tucker trialist was reportedly absolutely livid last night, following TV coverage of Barcelona olympic gold medallist, Linford Christie 'blatantly taking the piss' and breezing through the jungle trials in a quest for meals for the camp.

When offered the chance to drive a simplified JCB in order to pick up, some meals for the camp Gillian flatly refused, and returned to camp empty handed, on the grounds that she couldn't tolerate things like cockroaches, mealworms, and any semblence of sanity dropping in the immediate vicinity of her vegan head.

Then - sensation upon sensation - she was offered the opportunity to redeem herself by lovable (not in a gay way - ed) Geordie scamps, Arse and Feck.

Whereupon she promptly fainted.

Yet again.

Conveniently perhaps, onto a cushion of fallen leaves.

Which it appears is where the aggro surfaced - Linford stepped up and did the fairground horror show with a worthy performance for a boring old sexist pig, missing out on only one star, and not caring a monkey's arse if he got covered in bugs or fish guts.

Sources state that later on in the camp, Gillian leapt out of her hammock and accused Linford of being a dirty cheat. With the 51 year old nutritionist squaring off, Linford apparently told Gillian to 'leave it!' and turned on his i-Pod - seemingly listening to Bob Marley singing 'No Woman No Cry' in Trenchtown, which apparently is somewhere in Kingston, Jamaica, according to sources.

McKeith then stated that she was going to kick Linford's ass 'from arsehole to breakfast time.'

A curious situation indeed.

As Arse and Feck enjoyed a five course a la carte meal at a nearby hotel, Gillian said, according to sources that she was going to kick Linford's lunchbox 'all to fuck' and physically attacked him.

Although Skoob Entertainment News can't yet verify the claims.

But we can always consult with Buffty Ginslinger - our very own inside man. Which we did. Speaking from a urine soaked gutter in a back street, just off London's prestigeous Piccadilly, where he was laid in a right state, Buffty told us:

"It's all a ruse. It's about winning the public imagination. As in 'Ooh! look at me! I'm overcoming my phobias!' but it's all bollocks really. Ham acting of the worst order. And I could add - although I obviously shan't - that veganism is fucking dangerous. It's a hazard to health. Fuck me! She's only 51! My cat eats meat, and in cat years, it's 92 years old, but it isn't yet a wizened old crone.

"Not that I'm saying Gillian is - but one would expect that when one's spine starts playing tricks on one, it's time for a re-evaluation. It isn't for me to say, obviously - but vegans and veggies could do with a nice piece of fillet steak from time to time. It might help with the horrible pallor and the bags beneath the eyes. I've often said that vegans are only good for shovelling shit - or analysing it. Would you want to enter your middle years looking like that? I rest my case. Vegans - I've shit 'em."

SEN attempted to get Buffty to expand on his statement, but he confided that he'd walked into a lamp post, and that he just wanted to go to sleep. Because his head hurt.

He did say something about a busted hand and a broken thumb, but SEN execs deduced that it was all bollocks.

Insiders from 'I'm A Celeb' say that Gillian is unlikely to endure beyond seventeen seconds in a fist fight with Linford, with one telling SEN that Gillian and Martin Shuttlecock would make a lovely couple.

SEN's Anne Shuttlecock merely retorted that, as much of a dickhead as Shuttlecock is, he is at least her dickhead.

Adding that Shuttlecock likes lamb, chicken, steak, ostrich sausages and black pudding - and gravy. Also adding that if Gillian McKeith started trying to inspect her husband's turds, thet she'd 'knock the fucking head off the bitch!'

At which point, Gillian McKeith fainted again.

At which point we forgot that there was a point.

More meat as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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