Written by Dorry McGuire
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Saturday, 23 July 2005

image for Expert Comedian Roseanne Reveals Appalling Shocker - She's Married to Simon Cowell!
Rare Wedding Capture -- The happy couple on their ultra-secret big day!

Secret weddings seem common these days, don't they? We here at The Spoof were baffled to find out that quite recently, comedian Roseanne, who earned popularity in the late 1980's with the self titled, family themed sitcom has very suddenly decided to publicly admit that she is married to brutally honest American Idol judge Simon Cowell, and has been since 2002, just 2 months after 20 year old Texas native Kelly Brianne Clarkson was declared the first American Idol.

Roseanne, 52, broke the news to the public on July 12th, when this year's Top 10 Idol tour kicked off in Florida, stating, "I have a very extremely important announcement to make, I have been keeping this secret for 3 years, and hopefully this won't break the hearts of any American Idol fans, but I've decided I have to just come out and say it," she hesitates, "I have been married to Simon Cowell since July of 2002."

Cowell wasn't too happy about the abrupt publicizing of their extremely private marriage.

"It was supposed to be just between us," an unusually tearful Cowell said, "We made a deal just days before the wedding, that we would not tell one person about this, ever, and she goes and does this rubbish! She even lost a ton of weight for the wedding, just so nobody would recognize her!" the badmouthed judge said, failing at his attempt to stop crying. So, what were fellow judges Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson's reactions?

"I never would've thought it, dawg. He did a very good job of keeping this secret, none of us at Idol even knew he was married, the way Ryan was saying things like 'would you sing if Simon ever got married' and things like that, golly, everyone, including Simon, acted as though this never happened! Unbelievable, dawg, it is just unbelievable!!" said Randy Jackson, who is often made fun of for the amount of times he says "dawg" on the American Idol show, and everywhere else.

Paula angrily told us, "When I first heard about Simon's undercover wedding, I went into complete shock. Just like Randy said, none of us ever even knew! In fact, Simon kept talking about a girlfriend! It's unreal! He told Randy and I after Roseanne spoke up about the marriage that it was a cover story, to keep the media from finding out about his true personal life, GREAT! I've been flirting with a stupid married man for the past 3 years!" the irate, saddened judge screamed at our interviewer.
What about Ryan Seacrest? All we could get out of the former Idol/On Air host was "I was intensely appalled when Roseanne spoke up, like, 'how on earth could anyone even think about being simply best friends with Simon?' that's bad enough, marriage? Yuck!"

Simon and Roseanne are still unsure of their future, especially now that she's spilled the beans. "We've been talking," says Roseanne, "He says he's contemplating divorce, not because he doesn't love me anymore, but because he's afraid now that I've confessed about the marriage, we won't be able to lead our happy, private life together anymore. I was a little afraid of the same thing, but I had to tell eventually, I never knew Simon would be this upset. Poor thing, he's always been worried about this since day one."

All we can do now is hope for the best with the pair now dubbed "World's Most Secret Couple".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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