Written by Bill Licks
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Topics: Cheryl Cole, Wagner

Monday, 1 November 2010

image for Wagner to perform Cheryl Cole's hit Promise This on X Factor
Wagner - Evolution took a different direction

Brazilian shouter Wagner will perform the classic Promise This by Cheryl Cole on next week's X Factor.

Cole's smash hit which includes the unforgettable lyrics 'Promise' and 'This' along with some other words beat off stiff competition from Rhianna and Peter Andre's follow up to Insania entitled 'Fuck Off' to reach number 1 in the charts.

Cole is secretly a fan of the talentless Brazilian gibbon even though she appears to have an expression of utter disdain after watching every one of his arse-shittingly awful performances on the X Factor.

She believes that by letting the hairy, South American ape shout random words to the tune of her chart topping song is the best way to win over her fellow judge Simon Cowell who currently thinks Wagner has all the talent of a younger Minogue sister.

Other contestants believe Wagner is being given an unfair advantage by letting him perform the unforgettable song which every person in the UK has a copy of.

15 year old school bully Cher Lloyd complained, 'It aint fair. I wanted to sing Cheryl's song which would have guaranteed me a place in the next round. Instead they're making me sing Danni Minogue's song Everlasting Light which reached number 42 in the Australian charts in 1999 apparently.'

Boy band One Direction squealed 'We may as well not turn up now because we don't stand a chance anymore. Wagner has been given Cheryl's song and we've been told we have to perform a tune called Ruff Mix by Wonderdog which featured Simon Cowell and is just a load of dogs barking to a shit backing track.'

Wagner was unavailable for comment.

Well he was available for comment but we didn't have a fucking clue what he said.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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