Written by P.M. Wortham
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Friday, 22 October 2010

image for Bieber Cuts Bangs, Millions of Girls Take Ill
Bieber's golden locks on the cutting floor

Shocking news from Hollywood yesterday afternoon, as Justin Bieber, in an attempt to take on an older look, changed his famous sweeping, bang-covering hairstyle.

Seen on the streets moments after a visit to his favorite hairstylist in Marina Del-Ray, Bieber was captured by at least five paparazzi while being shuffled to his personal black Escalade. "That hoopty, even with the dirty black walls and cheap chrome package looked better than that white boy's forehead. I mean, like, Damn", says independent photojournalist, Terrell Snaps.

Apparently the early reports were true, as Justin opted for something similar to the John Stamos look, complete with a little gel product to keep the hair brushed backwards. "The difference is", says Snaps, "That Stamos has got the face and the head for it. Bieber looks like Ted Kennedy with that six inch forehead."

Seeing the pictures for the first time, millions of teen and pre-teen girls were crushed, refusing to come out of their bedrooms or go the school this morning. Mothers interviewed on the Ellen Show today say that their daughters don't know how to go on with life now that Justin has cut his trademark "do".

In a related story, school principles were apparently forced to include "Bieber Syndrome" on their list of acceptable sick-day excused absences. More pabulum as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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