Written by K.C. Bell
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Topics: Tom Cruise, Texas

Saturday, 11 June 2005

image for A Tom Cruise Bride Born Today
"Life just gets better."

The future Mrs. Tom Cruise in the year 2025 was born today in Amarillo, Texas. Twenty years from now, looking just as handsome and boyish with his 400 watt smile, trim body and shaved, checker board head (for a new film role) Tom will be expounding the virtues of his Largan Diet: All lard and garden vegetables with the heavee jivees fried out of them. This is the latest diet fad which Oprah, Kirstie Ally and Lance Armstrong swear by. Yes, he finally got fat. New studies found that one of the beneficial side effects of the Largan Diet is that it lowers cholesterol. And in the year 2025, Tom Cruise will once again proclaim the merits of true love on the Oprah Winfrey show after successfully reaching the stage with a Tsukahara vault, the same vault that cinched grandmother Mary Lou Retton a gold medal in the 1984 Olympics. The audience will go wild when he lands on his feet, following that with a back flip.

In 2025, after divorcing former child actress Dakota Fanning, 31, Tom will announce, "Dakota's still my best friend." Adding he's, "Met the true love of my life." Used already. "Met my soul mate." Wife number three. "Met the best gal a guy can have." Number four. "Met a real trooper." Five. "Met my pal." Fiancée but not married number nine. "Met an okay woman, okay?" Right.

They met while making the remake of Risky Business, in which Tom now plays the college recruiter/CIA agent/Samurai/jet pilot/vampire. Tom announced it was: "True love at first sight." Number two. "I was stopped in my tracks." Happens with guard dogs. "Saw her across a crowded room." A Rogers & Hammerstein lyric. "Fell in love, okay?" Right.

In the year 2025, President George W. Bush (Can't get him out of office) welcomed this news as a sign of this country's ageless virility, accomplished with the total absence of Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security. Once trendy bistros that sold cups of clear broth for $40.00 a piece, have now been converted to soup kitchens selling bowls of minestrone for two bucks. The President's speech patterns and syntax have improved tremendously after receiving a stem cell injection donated by Tony Blair. U.S. Senator Laura Bush confessed to finally understanding what he has to say.

Oprah, who has never been engaged or married to Mr. Cruise, asked if he planned to have any children. "As many as possible." Number two and three. "Can't wait." Fiancee number one, three, six. "Gonna start working on it as soon as we say, I do." Number four. "Yes." Number seven. "Whatever, okay?" Right.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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