Written by P.M. Wortham
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Friday, 15 October 2010

image for Absolutely No News Today about Justin Bieber or the Jonas Brothers
Artist's rendering of Diamond's package before the undressing

Shocking the entertainment news industry, independent paparazzi, and girls between the ages of 8 and 15 around the world, there is absolutely no news to report about Justin Beiber or the Jonas Brothers today.

Catching television news programs like Entertainment Tonight, E-News, and TMZ by surprise, each program normally counts on at least five to seven minutes of coverage time daily. "But we have zip, zero, goose egg, bupkis", said E-News producer Haywood Jablome. "We don't have any idea on how to fill the time tonight".

With other train wrecks like Lindsay and Paris under lock down or in jail, show producers were scrambling to find something to fill the premium air time normally reserved for Bieber/Jonas. TMZ producer Aaron DaHedd received word that Dustin Diamond (Screech from Saved by the Bell) had been captured nude at a local mall. "The story apparently, is based on a dare between two teenagers. One was obligated to pull Dustin's running pants down while the other snapped the picture. The dude is hung like a bull!", said DaHedd.

Senior producers were ready to nix the story until they were convinced that the photo could be pixilated to "mask the member", as it were. "Except that the pixel distortion stretched down past Diamond's knees. Say what you want about the dude, but wow", said DaHedd.

The other entertainment Spam networks were quick to attach like leeches to the story, filling the news cycle nicely. "I don't think we can do this on a regular basis", said Jablome. "We depend on the Bieber/Jonas phenomenon to fill air time, though I hear Bieber is scheduled for a hair cut tomorrow, so we're safe for now. Thank God for solid news programming."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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