Written by T. Ann Ludwick
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Saturday, 10 September 2005

image for Tom Selleck Victim of Botched Plastic Surgery
Selleck cries foul, looks fouler.

Crying foul and looking fouler, Tom Selleck has decided to sue plastic surgeon Ismar Ramsi after Ramsi botched a nose, face, and eye job on Selleck.

Sources close to the A-list actor wanna be say that Selleck, in an attempt to assuage Hollywood's demand for astetic perfection, was "willing to do anything to keep from going the way of all bad actors with big mustaches." Why then, I asked, didn't he just shave?

"It's his trademark," was the response from said source. "Besides, it hides a hideous scar from a cold sore he suffered in his early twenties."

According to Selleck's lawyer, Dean Greene, Selleck is asking for damages amounting to 1.2 million dollars.

In his defense, Ismar Ramsi claims that Selleck wanted an 'evil emperor' look. "Mr. Selleck was hoping to cash in on the current Star Wars frenzy. He said he was going to buy a black robe and solicit the real evil emperor's autograph outside of movie theaters."

Just the opposite, says Greene. In fact, Selleck had requested that he be made to look like Hayden Christenson in case George Lucas decided to make a fourth Star Wars movie.

"It's the mustache," says the afore mentioned source. "It does strange things up close. It probably terrified the doctor and led to the results we now see. Once, I saw it move from Tom's upper lip to just behind his right ear, all by itself."

It's true that dinasaur-type actors with big mustaches do not fare as well as the naked-faced hotties of today. In fact, in response to an informal survey done for this article, only two names came up when asked to "name an actor with a distinctive mustache". The names were Adolph Hitler and Rosie O'Donnell.

Psychiatrist to the stars, Daphney Ducket says that men who grow big mustaches are often attempting to compensate for a perceived lack somewhere else. "Even when the compensation has potentially negative effects, the subject is unable to adapt, so deep-seated is his neurosis."

This begs the question: What is Mr. Selleck trying to compensate for?

"Any number of things," says Ducket. "Blonde hair, acting ability..."

Court proceedings are expected to begin on Friday

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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