Written by Marcus Battenburg
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Monday, 27 September 2010

image for New Doctor Who Will Be Plank Of Wood
Matt Smith at a fan convention in Buckwheat

As fans get excited and wet their nappies about the upcoming christmas special I, Marcus Battenburg, can reveal the identity of the actor that is set to repace Matt "Result of a mating session between the Elephant Man & a Duck" Smith in 2012.

After much speculation, and with names like Jonathan Ross, The Wot Wots, The Bloke Who Does The Voice on Big Brother and Cillit Bang being thrown around, it's now been annouced that a Plank Of Wood will be the new Doctor.

Steven "Little Miss" Moffat, the show's lead writer, said; "This is something the fans won't be expecting. We thought long and hard about this. And, if i'm being honest, it was between Plank and a Bath Plug. But the sheer depth of Plank's performance came bursting through like a delayed orgasm and it was then we knew we had the right person for the job."

In other shocking news it is strongly believed that the TARDIS will also change it's apperance. "After 142 years of being a police box the TARDIS is getting a bit boring so we thought we'd change it's shape." said Muffin "We're thinking of something in the vein of a used condom or a empty packet of Jammy Dodgers."

Also set to change in series 7 is the Doctor's companion. "We wanted something different again" continued Moppet "And I can now exclusively reveal that the new companion for 2012 will be played by Bella Emberg. [It]...was a no brainer! She just oozes sex but more than that the boils on her legs ooze pus which we can use to great effect without blowing the budget."

Doctor Who - The Live All-Nite Nude Sex Show is now playing at the Shaftsbury Theatre in Scront

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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