Written by Jeremy Paxman
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Thursday, 16 September 2010

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George Michael, male sex offenders, confined quarters - What could go wrong?

Homosexual pop star George Michael has already run into trouble just a day into his porridge at Pentonville Prison with prison heavies demanding £10,000 a week in protection money to protect him in the showers.

Apparantly, George Michael has been ordered by hardended lags (or more likely lags with hard ons) to pay them £10k a week else they will REFUSE to rape him in the prison showers. George is apparantly terrified that unless he coughs up the cash, he will have to endure his entire stint in HMP Pentonville without enjoying unprotected sex with random strangers.

With many observers decrying his already lenient sentence as being akin to sending a peadophile to a children's nursery, George Michael was immediately placed in solitary confinement on the "nonce wing" or what the authorities like to call the "Vulnerable Prisoners Unit" for the protection of other inmates. George is now happily banged up with convicted child molestors, rapists and other human sex offending detritis as he is deemed to be far too high a risk to mix with the general prison population (prison governors are clearly afraid that Michael will go on an arse stabbing spree). Upon arrival at the prison his possessions were removed and he was strip searched by officers who discovered a chocolate bar inserted up his rectum. Speculation is though that it was just a "Careless Whispa". His possessions - a tub of KY Jelly, an anal dildo, a gerbil, some string and a Morrisey CD will all be returned to him after he completes his sentence.

Multimillionaire George Michael has also had to endure his own hits being sung at him by other inmates, something us mere mortals have all had to endure for decades now. It seems that lags have been singing "You Gotta Have Faith", "Freedom" and "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" but perhaps the biggest suprise was that George bravely retaliated by singing to a young moustached inmate one of his own hits; "I Want Your Sex". The young man immediately made a plea to George Michaels parents for protection by singing "Don't Let Your Son Go Down On Me".

Michael was pinched in July after he crashed into a photo shop in London. He pleaded guilty to possessing marijuana and driving under the influence of drugs. The sentence is just the latest in a series of brushes with the law for and Michael has only recently finished a two-year ban for drug driving.

Inmates are not allowed to vote whilst in prison but sources say that this should not affect George Michael since he is already banned from voting because he has proven himself unable to enter a cubible on his own.

Perhaps George Michael will use his time inside to reflect on his life and write some new material. Friends have already confirmed that he has started to put pen to paper on a new song about his cell mate titled "Wank me off before your cocoa" and perhaps we may even see a Johnny Cash style prison album. We can't help but wonder what George Michael could do with the lyrics to "A Boy Named Sue" and "Ring of Fire"...

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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