Written by Thibarine
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Wednesday, 8 September 2010

image for Seventy-Year-Old Swiss Slappers Out in Force as Wayne Rooney Hits Town
"Come and get it, Wayne" gums this superannuated Swiss slapper

Rooney Well Known for his Love of Antiques, Claims Spokesfloozy.

The town of Basel in Switzerland was on high alert last night as rumours swept the town that Wayne Rooney had been dumped by wife Colleen because of his playing away. Instant brothels sprang up around the team hotel and one enterprising hot dog salesman turned his van into a pensioners' love palace complete with soft buns and mayo. Phone booths in the hotel have been plastered with business cards offering services by the likes of Prune Ella and Petroleum Jelly Pat. Even young women were trying to get in on the act, spending all day in tanning booths to achieve the distressed oxhide look.

"We're very excited because we've heard Herr Rooney prefers his ladies a bit weather-beaten" said Heidi Hoe, rugged-looking spokeswoman for the Swiss Octogenarian Working Girls' Association. "All our members have been dusting off their stays, polishing their Zimmer frames and spraying embalming fluid behind the ears. He will be able to take his pick from a bevy of bus pass beauties."

She added: "I would love to comfort him personally since he has been given Das Boot by his hausfrau. I just want to take him in my arms, press his head against my pancakes, and ply him with Horlicks."

England manager Fabio Capello refused to go into detail on the allegations about Rooney's private life. He insisted that Wayne was repentant but would keep his mind on the job. "Wayne has the situation firmly in hand" said the boss.

After England's 3-1 victory in Basel, a jubilant Rooney issued a statement via the press office. "Wayne is going to give a large sum to charity to show his remorse" said the rep. "He will be dispatching a massive wad to Help the Aged".

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