Talentless alcoholic pillhead, Kerry Katona (aka Kerry Katatonic), is expecting her fifth child and this time it's the bastard lovechild of permatanned leatherman, Peter Andre.
Andre - who has no freckles because they all slid off - has been smashing the granny out of Katona in between her various other one night stands and Kerry is delighted with the news that she can add Peter Andre to her childrens list of various unbothered fathers:
"It's a dream come true and it couldn't have come at a better time" said Kerry, "I've blown all me cash, had me house repo'd, snorted my way through half of Columbia and this new baby will not only make me a load of cash from the magazines but it'll proper piss off Katie Price too. I met Pete in the supermarket and he slipped it in dry down the vegetable aisle, it was so romantic. That's why Mum's go to Iceland.". Asked whether she planned a trendy ceasarian birth, classy Kerry ruled out the process, "there's no need love. With the size of my snatch, the baby will just slip out like a wet fish".
Equally talentless slapper and general horror of a human being, Katie Price, was quick to add her own two penneth to the unfolding drama: "I hope she has a Harvey the slag. How can Peter go from prime beef like me to mutton dressed like that?". Surprising commentary given the fact that Price is widely considered to be scrag end dressed as mutton but she seemed genuinely peeved; "Me and Alex have bent over backwards for Peter. Well, Alex has but he'll bend over for any bloke with nice pecs. Anyway, Kerry's welcome to Peter as I'm well and truly done with him after this. How could he stoop so low as to sleep with some bimbo who's had a failed pop career, had kids with different fella's, ghost written books, had loads of plastic surgery and launched a crap perfume? Kerry thinks she's soooooo special because she's bipolar but let's face it, I could go to the North and South Pole if I wanted to so she's nowt special.".
Peter Andre was unavailable for comment but friends insisted that he was "very, very and I mean VERY, drunk both at the point of insemination and within 30 minutes of hearing the news" and stressed that he would be demanding a paternity test. Not on the baby, just a test to see whether he has any paternal abilities.
Kerry Katona's scumbag ex-husband and professional layabout, Mark Croft, issued a short statement "has anyone got any smack? Seriously, I've run out...".
So, Kerry Katona - an inspiration to us all and the epitome of effortlass class and good wholesome behaviour, all of which we've come to expect from the cream of z-listers like both her and Katie Price who've each won "Celebrity Mum of The Year". Social Services must be so proud.
Screw the kids, this lines got your name on it Kerry...