MODESTO, CA -- No sooner had the heavenly white smoke cleared the soot encrusted orifice high atop the Sistine Chapel, than the new pope, His Holiness Benedict XVI found himself forced to quell fantastic rumors emanating from the Michael Jackson camp in Modesto California.
In an event reminiscent of Jackson's absence from court several weeks ago, the "King of Pop" was a no show again Monday morning. Again, reminiscent of his previous tardy behavior, when Jackson finally did arrive, he was looking somewhat disheveled.
A rather hunched and frail looking Jackson was observed being helped from the back seat of his limousine to a side door of the court house, clad in a rumpled diamond encrusted sweat shirt , a pair of Little Mermaid pajama bottoms, fuzzy pink angora slippers and his trademark silver glove.
When questioned by the presiding judge as to why Mr. Jackson had failed to arrive on time, Thomas Mesmero, lead defense counsel, explained that because of an early morning spell of nausea Mr. Jackson had been forced to seek emergency medical attention from his personal physician, Dr. Yassir Ebob, proctologist to the stars.
Mr. Mesmero then went on to surprise court observers by tabling a motion intended to suspend the child molestation proceedings against Mr. Jackson for an indefinite period in order to allow Mr. Jackson time to make preparations for the delivery of his first child without the aid of a surrogate mother.
While trying to inconspicuously stuff a renegade bunny back in his hat, Mesmero let the other shoe drop and further shocked observers by informing them that he was on his way to office of the court clerk to file paternity papers on behalf of Mr. Jackson, alleging Pope Benedict XVI to be the father of Mr. Jackson's as of yet unborn child.
When questioned by incredulous reporters, Mr. Mesmero stated, "No one doubts that we are living in extraordinary times. One just has to skim their Gideon to see that God moves in mysterious ways. You can't tune into a TV preacher without being assaulted by end of days doom and gloom or hysteria surrounding the imminent return of the Anti-Christ. I ask you, what more appropriate place for him to spring forth fully formed, than from between the piebald cheeks of my client's ass?
While plucking a sliver dollar from the ear of a surprised reporter, Mr. Mesmero continued, "Mr. Jackson's life has been spent proving the old adage, Truth is stranger than fiction' and I have no doubt that we will be able to prove that sometimes even unprotected, incorporeal, anal sex can lead to unwanted pregnancies."
A Neverland insider confided to me that the Jackson camp had originally considered naming God in the paternity suit, but had decided that because of Mr. Jackson's familiarity with his own right hand, they would be better off accusing God's right hand man here on earth, the pope.