Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Topics: John McCain, snooki

Thursday, 12 August 2010

image for John McCain Says The Jersey Shores' "Snooki" Is Way Too Pretty To Go To Prison
Senator John McCain and an unidentifed illegal alien. (Photo courtesy of Sheriff Joe "Pinky" Arpaio).

BISBEE, Arizona - Senator John McCain, was in the bordertown of Bisbee talking to a convention of The Old Retired Saguaro Cactus Harvesters of Arizona when he was asked a rather unusual question.

McCain, was asked what he thought about the fact that Nicole Polizzi, aka "Snooki" may be heading to the "Big House" (prison) on account of her recent disorderly conduct arrest, in which police also found 80 counterfeit Jersey Shore pencils in her possession.

The 73-year-old senator who does not look a day over 72, coughed a little bit, blew his nose, adjusted his horrendously silly looking comb over and said, "Well, first let me say this. I spent five and a half years in a North Vietnamese POW camp that's spelled big P, big O, big W, and I can tell you prison is no fun."

The senator paused for a moment and then asked, "Ah now where was I? Oh yes, we have to secure our borders. There is no question about it. If we do not secure our Canadian border we will be over run by more darn, friggin Eskimos than you can shake a pogo stick at..."

McCain paused again. "Ah where the hell was I? Oh yes, I have to admit it here and now. And I say this because I got it straight from Donnie Rumsfeld's mouth. Donnie and Dickie (Cheney) and Georgy (Bush) all made up the story about the weapons of mass destruction, the WMD's that's a big W, a big M, a big D, and a little itty bitty s."

The senator from the soon to be condemned state took a sip of Southern Comfort and replied, "And in closing, I just want to say that I will make a fine president and that woman with the librarian glasses from Alaska, whose freakin name escapes me at the moment, will make a fine vice-president, if the silly ass bitch will only learn the names of all the states and countries."

Many of Arizona's residents have asked that perhaps it is time for Senator John McCain to step down and retire to one of the seven mansions that his beer heiress wife Cindy owns.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: After Senator McCain took his normal afternoon nap he was again asked about "Snooki" possibly going to prison. He grinned and said, "Well off the record, I think that she is too pretty to go to prison." He was then asked if he then believed that only ugly women should go to prison. He giggled and answered, "Well...this is strictly off the record mind you, but yes."]

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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