HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Sharon Osbourne was relaxing high in the Hollywood Hills in her and husband Ozzy's $9.3 million mansion Prince of Darkness Manor.
Mrs. Osbourne was sipping on a Southern Comfort while reading the latest issue of The Rolling Stone.
She laughed when she saw a photo of English singer Amy Winehouse trying to comb her beehive hairdo with a kitchen spatula.
Sharon commented that poor little Miss Winehouse is one big old train wreck who doesn't know if she lives in England, Egypt, or Ecuador.
The female head of the Osbourne clan was asked how her husband the heavy metal rock and roll icon Ozzy Osbourne was doing these days.
Sharon laughed and said that he is doing better. She smiled and said that she has finally convinced the British bloke to stop putting ketchup in his Fruit Loops breakfast cereal and use milk instead.
She said that he told her that he likes his breakfast to be an adventure and if he uses mere milk then his adventure turns into a ride at a kiddie amusement park.
His wife of 28 years shakes her head and says for him to do whatever the heck he feels like doing just as long as he doesn't run down the hall with scissors, play with fire, or try to de-nut one of the cats.
Sharon wanted to let everyone know that the rumor that is going around about an extremely passionate lovemaking session that her an Ozzy had down in Maui, Hawaii, 20 years ago is absolutely true.
She said that everyday at least half a dozen people tell her that it cannot be true but she insists that it most certainly is.
Mrs. Osbourne said that in 1990, her an Ozzy were celebrating their eighth wedding anniversary in New Orleans, they both got quite drunk on about 20 or so Hurricanes and after somehow managing to make it back to their hotel room at the Hotel Crawling Crayfish, they entered into a marathon five hour lovemaking session.
Sharon said that they did everything that a couple could possibly do legally. She said that there was hollering, groping, screaming, scratching, and she thinks that Ozzy even uttered some words in Mandarin Chinese.
The next morning, she recalls waking up with her bra on her head, Ozzy's boxer shorts on her right tit, and her lipstick in her (blank).
She was totally naked except for a Timex wristwatch that had been given to her by her friend actress Shirley MacLaine, the sister of Warren "Wiener Man" Beatty.
Sharon said that as she looked down at her private region she noticed that something was different. She took out a hand mirror to get a better look.
She says she screamed out and said, "Ozzy! Come 'ere. Me bloomin' blitherin' G-spot is gone! Tell me what da bloody 'ell did ya do wiff it luv?"
Ozzy was still half asleep. He looked at her crotch and replied, "I dunno know lovey, but your two blimey butterbags look da same ta me...and the only thing I can see that may be different is the teeth marks on your whatchamacallit."
"Ya mean me muffin?" She asked.
"Ah yeah. Your muffin. And speakin' of muffins. I'm hungry whatcha say we put on some deodorant and go downstairs and get us a bite of breakfast?"
SIDENOTE: Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne have one of the most unusual and yet successful marriages in the history of Hollywood marriages. The figurine couple on the top of their wedding cake was Gomez and Morticia Addams of the Addams Family sit-com.