Written by Erskin Quint
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Saturday, 17 July 2010

image for Subo-Frankenstein; or, The Future is Sewer Fat Filled Celebrity Shaped
Mary Shelley's 'Frankenstein; or, The Modern Prometheus' Contains Valuable Insights Into the Celebrity Life-Cycle

Thames Water, the London-based Filth Farming Firm, has reported record fat harvests this season.

The company's Fat Force - their fat-harvesting workers otherwise known as the Lard Legion - have been working overtime in the sewers beneath Leicester Square, to collect the 1,000 tonnes or so of fatty waste deposited there.

Leicester Square borders other fashionable areas of London, namely Chinatown with its myriad eateries, and the entertainment meccas of the West End and Soho.

Thames Water spokes-scavenger, Area Manager Miles F Lewent, explained:

"It's a bumper crop this year. Up there it's all about the smart, fashionable crowd, and what they are up to - flocking in and out of the theatres, cinemas, clubs and restaurants of London's celebrity heartland. Nobody realises all the hard work that goes on underneath all those bright lights.

"My staff are working 12-hour shifts, round the clock, up to their ears in slime and congealed dripping and lard. In order to even get to the main crop zone, we first had to blast our way through a four foot solid wall of fat that was blocking the sewers. Since then, we've been able to get on with loosening the hardened fat, and the hard physical business of shovelling it away. We hope to have completed the harvest by the middle of next week. I've nothing but praise for the Lard Legion. They've done us proud this season."

But what will happen to all of this fat? Once collected so laboriously, where does the detritus of countless celebrity evenings go? This phase of the sewer fat trade involves a remarkable piece of recycling.

We spoke to a spokes-stuffer from Ordure! Ordure! of Uppsala, Sweden, who explained how they transform the fat from celebrity waste into celebrity body-enhancements and new celebrities.

The spokes-stuffer, Ms Grote Eske, said "Yes, this is a green process, which is environmentally sound, and at the same time it enhances the celebrity industry which is so important for the Western Culture and our profits. It is what we call 'Win-Win' on all sides.

"We are skilled in the latest techniques and have the most cutting-edge of the technologies. We can process all the known types of the sewer fats, and we are able to refill and re-upholster so many of the threadbare or the damaged celebrity.

"We have recently filled the lips of your Jordan to the trout pout and before your UK election, we injected the oleaginous rendered oils into David Cameron, George Osborne, the Eric Pickles and their serving and running yes-boy Nicky Clegg.

"In two weeks we will have Dale Winton to enter for a refilling which we inject into his rectum which he enjoys and not only because it keeps his face smooth!"

As well as these repair and maintenance and improvement operations, Ordure! Ordure! have long been involved in the manufacture of new and facsimile celebrities.

"The James Corden you have seen on your televison in the UK, he seems to have been everywhere over the place, as you say", Grote Esk elaborated. "In fact, we have created a special what we call 'school' (like the whales, no?) of the James Corden, which is 20 of these we have manufactured from the sewer fat residues of London's West End.

"They are composed entirely of fatty wastes from the celebrity sewers. We are very proud of these James Cordens, which are so popular and which make much money for the entertainment and for us. It is a pioneering duplication project we have worked with and we hope to do more of these sets of what we call simultaneous multipliers. It uses up the sewer wastes in a green recycling, and it is a way of having the celebrity in many places at one time to generate unlimited profits."

Grote revealed that they have also been building new celebrities out of sewer wastes for a number of years. "Yes, many of the Big Brother contestants, you watch the television and think 'who is this? This is hardly a human!' Well, so many of these contestants we work in our workshops with the TV company to design them, and then we make in our factories the contestant themself, out of the fats and oils of the sewers.

"All over the world we do this for, but also your UK Big Brother show.

"And your favourite X-Factor and Britain Has The Talents entertainers, these too are often made by us at Uppsala factories.

"Susan Boyle is one. However, with her is not good, as she has been over-stuffed and we feel in danger of the explosion. There is leakage, you can see it, but the explosion might come. We have already recalled the Gareth Gates because he is not any more a celebrity and so is a waste of the fats, and we can use those fats to seal and repair and improve the Susan Boyle which was not well finished in the first instance. Though the problem is to persuade the Subo, as she is named, to, as you say, come in for maintenance. I myself have studied the original novel of 'Frankenstein; or, The Modern Prometheus' by Mary Shelley, for its insights into what to do when a created creature is loosed and then is difficult to control when it interacts with the world outside the factory or the workshop, be it Victor Frankenstein or Ordure! Ordure! with Britain Has Got These Talents."

Grateful for this fascinating insight into the intriguing celebrity life-cycle and the hitherto mysterious process of sewer fat farming, we thanked Grote Eske of Ordure! Ordure! in Uppsala, Sweden, and we were left to ponder the meaning of all this sewer fat.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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