Written by Dan Barash
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Topics: Britney Spears, Food

Sunday, 10 April 2005

image for FDA Bans Britney's New Show Due to Dangerously High Levels of Boredom
The face that launched a thousand yawns.

The Food and Drug Administration is preventing broadcasts of Britney Spears' new TV show because tests show it is so boring that it presents a health risk to viewers. The FDA has demanded that UPN modify the program to address its stupefying dullness. The six-part reality show covers the most saccharine details of Spears' courtship and marriage to Eric Federline.

The FDA has insisted on reviewing new celebrity reality shows ever since Jessica Simpson's program caused significant IQ drops for millions of viewers. When testing the new Spears' show, most viewers immediately went into REM sleep or reported severe intestinal distress. Approximately 15% of the subjects went into a deep coma-like state and had to be revived with repeated viewings of Cops.

UPN insists the show is performing a public serve by helping the many Americans who suffer from insomnia. UPN's own testing indicates Britney's new show is more powerful than any sedative on the market, but has zero lasting impact. FDA officials counter that UPN's testing is methodologically flawed because subjects were exposed to only 2 minutes of the snoozefest. "Many Britney Spears' fans are already in a near-catatonic state," said an FDA report. "This new reality show will just push them over the edge into mental oblivion."

The show reportedly includes wedding videos, images American men may find disturbing. There is overwhelming evidence that although men frequently pretend they are watching wedding footage, they typically start to disassociate at the site of the first tuxedo. This normal and healthy response may be short-circuited by the intense desire to see Britney's cleavage. The resulting mental confusion is more than most men can tolerate.

Law enforcement officials find the show to be an effective tool for managing prison discipline, and have asked for an exception to the ban. According to one high-ranking prison official, "Even the most hardened criminal will beg to go back into solitary confinement after seeing a Britney and Eric dating episode."

UPN is hoping the viewing public's masochism has no limits. They are already filming several sequels, including "Britney and Eric Have Their First Spat" and "No, I Don't Think You're Fat!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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