Written by The Dishwasher
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Thursday, 3 July 2003

Peter Jackson, or Just Jackass amongst friends has made a startling revelation in the early hours of this morning concerning the epic Lord of the Rings saga.

The brunette Santa look-alike claimed to have travelled back in time to witness the memorable events of the Lord of the Rings as they actually happened.

"Merry offered me some pipeweed whilst resting in Lorien", said the successful director, "But Galadriel said that the Golden Wood was strictly a non-smoking area."

The police were called in to a small bar in outer LA at 1:30 am on the 3rd of July, after several complaints have been made about the vulgar language coming from the Spirits' Joint. It later turned out that the foul jargon was none other than the black speech of Mordor.

Just Jackass was then escorted under police protection to a secret location after hoards of Tolkienists rushed into the Spirits' Joint, yelling obscenities such as: "How dare you twist the plot in your commercial movies!" and "Haldir lives!"

When one young Tolkienist by the name of Elrondil was interviewed by our correspondent as to why the Tolkienists were taking such offence, he replied simply this: "Well, it's really quite obvious that he [Just Jackass] is making all this up to become more of the media's common interest. How dare he claim that Haldir was at the battle of Helm's Deep, when absolutely everyone knows that he [Haldir] was helping the galadhrim defend the Golden Wood against the Necromancer, and there was just no way that the elves would come and help the petty men, we are far superior."

Another Tolkienist added, "Well, I've been there, and nothing remotely like Peter Jackson says actually happened!"

At the secure location, Mr Jackson was barked at repeatedly by a sniffer dog, but it was later concluded that the dog must have had rabies. When a small piece of paper with pictures on fell out of Mr Jackson's pocket, the dog started barking even more, and had to be shot. Strangely enough, our correspondent found similar pieces of paper at the Spirits' Joint, and when asking a regular customer, he replied cryptically that they were "magic stickers".

Of course, no connection has been made between these "stickers" and Mr Jackson's confused ramblings, but what is quite clear, and what has been proved by Just Jackass, is that Prof.
Tolkien was quite obviously mistaken when writing the books, as Mr Jackson has been there and seen it for himself. Unfortunately, he was unable to comment this morning on the truth revealed last night, as he mentioned something about a "bad trip".

Well Peter, no matter where you go, it can't be worse than Belgium.

This is Mr N. A. Ive, reporting.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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