Lindsay Lohan, the famous child star actress who has become an out of control adult, was sentenced to 90 days in jail, to be followed by 90 days in a residential substance abuse program. She screamed loudly in the courtroom upon learning that both facilities were alcohol free and did not include cash bars, open bars, room service, or "those little honor system mini-bar refrigerators that you find in hotels."
Lohan was also upset to learn from friend and drinking buddy Paris Hilton that "you have to wear these scratchy, cotton granny panties and bras that are just plain white and they dress you all up in these identical orange jump suits with numbers on them." Upon hearing this news, Lohan petitioned the judge to allow her to have a designer make her special white underwear and orange jumpsuits that would be a little more stylish, but still allow me to conform with the prison standards."
Lindsay expressed extreme displeasure at learning that she would soon learn the joy of working in the prison. "They told me that everyone had to have a job, but apparently actress and socialite are not on their list. I'm either going to have to do maid's work like sweep and mop, work in a kitchen fixing stuff that doesn't even have any cooking sherry in it, or work in the prison laundry washing that icky clothing."
Lohan plans to appeal the decision, based on the fact that "I wasn't judged by a jury of my peers. I want to see a jury with twelve slutty former teen stars who've tried lesbian stuff, been photographed with their tits hanging out, had their lives be tabloid fodder, been in rehab at least five times, and wake up with guys they've never met. That will be a true jury of my peers that can judge me correctly!"
Lindsay is set to begin her sentence on July 30th. This publication will follow her incarceration with a daily "Lindsay Lohan Jail Diary" on the day she reports to prison.