Following her dramatic collapse at a North London photo shoot yesterday, Cheryl Cole convened a press conference in her palatial bedroom and addressed the media as she lay gently reclining in her sick bed.
As an aura of hushed reverence enveloped the room, Cheryl seemingly told reporters that she no longer wanted to be known as Cheryl Cole, and that she was going back to her Geordie roots by reverting to her maiden name of Tweedy.
Allegedly, because our Skoob News man on the scene could hardly hear a thing she said because some bastard lowlife tabloid hack was snorting snuff throughout, and wiping his grungy snout on his sleeve.
The dirty, filthy, disgusting fucker.
But from what our man can gather, it appears that the divine Cheryl wants nothing to do with her ex-husband, England World Cup hero Ashley, and wants to sever all ties with him forever.
Sources report that Cheryl TWEEDY became disillusioned with Ashley during their marriage, because of his infidelities, the pictures of his dick which he insisted on sending to lap dancers and hairdressers on his mobile phone, and the fact that he couldn't fucking dance if his life depended on it.
A vulnerable looking CHERYL TWEEDY then tinkled a little silver bell to signal the end of the interview. At which point our man left.
A source told us that Simon Cowell was FURIOUS that CHERYL TWEEDY had disrupted his X-Factor audition schedule, and that he wanted a sick note in by first thing Monday and that Cheryl would have to have a back to work interview.
More as we get it.