Hollywood, CA - Famous airhead and Oscar-winning actress Gwyneth Paltrow suffered a complete nervous breakdown today after she gained an entire ounce. The sexless skeleton blames a breathe mint she ate last week for the calamity. The tiny toothpick says she is "just so sick and tired of being fat."
Gwyneth now tips the scales at exactly 9 pounds and 5.434304834834834343084348 ounces. She wants to be more exact with her weight, but doesn't want to seem obsessive. Gwyneth weighs herself every ten seconds even when she's asleep. The fight against fat must run 25 hours a day and 8 days a week.
Gwyneth loves exercising to keep her weight in the single digits. Not many people can do 10,000 push ups in 5 minutes. It's a great way to look like a skeleton!
Gwyneth also sticks to a simple diet. She eats air. Last night she ate some nitrogen for dinner and then some oxygen for dessert.
One day, Gwyneth plans to get her weight down to zero. Then, she will be absolutely perfect. She won't rest until she is successful. Her fans demand it!
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