Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Friday, 18 June 2010

image for The Los Angeles Lakers Are The World Champions - Kobe Bryant's Wife Vanessa Gets The Game Ball
The game ball that Kobe Bryant's wife Vanessa presented to herself. (Photo courtesy of Jack Nicholson).

LOS ANGELES - The Los Angeles Lakers defeated the Boston Celtics 83-79 to capture their 16th NBA world championship title.

Kobe Bryant did not do to well at the beginning of the game and he blamed it on his broken right index finger. He said that towards the end of the game he adjusted by using his right middle finger in place of his broken right index finger.

He also said that at times he had a hard time seeing the basket due to the fact that he was sweating an awful lot. Fellow teammate Sasha Vujacic, who is 26, but looks 16, said that Bryant was sweating like a priest visiting a whorehouse.

The Spaniard, Pau Gasol played exceptionally well even though he did only make 2 of his 18 free throws. Derek Fisher, who at 5 foot 1, is one of the shortest players in Laker history spent a lot of time just running around doing a Steve Nash imitation except that Derek is shorter, fatter, and black.

Luke Walton, who is the not-to-talented son of Bill Walton spent a lot of time just sitting on the Lakers bench and saying things like, "Golly gee," "Wow, didja see that," "Gosh, I wish I was an African-American," and "Coach, can I get you a cup of Gatorade?"

And Laker Coach Phil Jackson is so cool, calm, and collected, that he could actually have called it in. He hardly ever leaves his seat, except twice during the game to go pee.

He never ever raises his voice except for maybe once or twice a game when the basketball accidentally hits him in in the crotch.

After the Lakers victory Kobe's wife, Vanessa received the game ball. Pau Gasol was asked if the team had voted to give Mrs. Bryant the game ball. Gasol replied, "I dunt teenk so, I teenk chee just kinda take it."

When asked what had happened to his team, Celtics coach Doc Rivers did a San Antonio Spurs Coach Gregg Popovich imitation and replied, "Well bro, I think that it boiled down to the fact that the other fellas maybe, perhaps just may have scored a few more points than we did."

Star Celtics player Kevin Garnett said that it was just too damn noisy in the Staples Center. When asked how that effected the game he said that he could not pinpoint one specific thing because there were literally hundreds of distractions including the fact that the Laker Girls were wearing short shorts made out of dental floss.

Paul Pierce said that one of the reasons they lost was because Christina Aguilera's version of the National Anthem was so awful that several Celtics players literally got physically sick having to listen to Christy sing it two games in a row.

The second time she actually added about 315 more notes than the song actually has. Pierce said that she did it on purpose just to irritate the Celtics players and coaches.

And Lakers player and Khloe Kardashian's husband Lamar Odom chimed in and said that the hot dogs that the Celtics bought and ate before the game tasted like they had been dipped in vinegar.

He said that the fattest player in the entire league Glen Davis (#11) aka "Big Baby" personally ate nine of the hot dogs himself.

When Laker Ron "Duh Duh" Artest was interviewed after the game he was asked what he thought made the difference in them winning instead of the Celtics winning.

Artest thought for a second and then said, "I kinda has a feelin' dat it was da score. Da score showed higher numbers after da name Lakers than after da name Celtics. I really and truly does believe dat, dat was da reason dat we wins."

Artest was asked about the play of Pau Gasol and Kobe Bryant. He ignored the question and instead proceeded to thank his entire family including several distant relatives who live in Dutch West Wakaboonka, Loombeezi, and Upper Shabutu. He then thanked his dentist, his banker, his probation officer, his psychiatrist, and his tattooist.

Los Angeles Mayor Antonio "Tony Baloney" Villaraigosa warned the citizens of L.A. that he would not put up with anybody trying to set fire to the city in celebration of the Laker victory as they've done the past 15 championships.

He reminded everyone that he had personally instructed the LAPD officers to shoot anyone whom they see trying to light a fire.

SIDENOTE: There was one report that just after the final buzzer, someone outside in the parking lot had set a skateboard on fire. Details are still somewhat sketchy.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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