Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Topics: Rap, Richard Nixon

Monday, 14 June 2010

image for Country Boy Jimmy Dean Had The Very First Rap Song With His 1961 Hit "Big John"
Jimmy Dean's favorite pig, "Porky Boy" whom he vowed would never be turned into Jimmy Dean Sausage.

VARINA, Virginia - Snoop Dogg, 50-Cent, Jay-Z, Lil Wayne, and 2Pac all sing rap music. And the very first singer to ever record a rap song was a white country boy named Jimmy Dean, who back in 1961, had a number one hit with his song "Big John."

Yes ladies and gentlemen, the person who invented rap music wasn't born in Harlem, or Atlanta, or Detroit. The first man to do rap music was born in Plainview, Texas, and he was as white as Nicole Kidman and Marcia Cross.

Jimmy Dean was tall and he looked like a big old pretzel, except without the grains of salt. He spoke and walked real slow, sorta like an NFL football game replay.

He had a deep voice, kinda like Cher, except without the dozen or so ugly-ass tattoos. And he would say things like "Shucks ma'am," "Let's go out yonder and sit a spell," and "Hey Donna Meade Dean, how 'bout ya fetchin' me another biscuit darlin'."

Dean liked to experiment in the kitchen and one day, he invented what he would call The Jimmy Dean Sausage. His wife laughed and said that at first her hubby wanted to call it The Jimmy Dean Wiener, but she kinda convinced him to change it so that it would not offend the 'church goin' folk.'

During his career Jimmy performed in some of the world's finest and biggest arenas and stadiums including The Buffalo Chips Arena in Las Vegas, Nevada; The Sooner or Later Arena in Tulsa, Oklahoma; The China Closet Arena in Shanghai, China; and La Chupacabra Convention Center in El Paso, Texas.

Jimmy Dean, who was 81, will probably best be remembered for the advice he gave to President Richard Nixon at the height of the WaterGate scandal.

Jimmy called up the president and said, "Howdy 'Tricky Dicky' dis here's 'Jimmy The Sausage Maker' talkin' at ya from down in Texas. And partner, I just wanna tellya ta stop all dat damn lying dat ya been doin' of late.

Face it feller, everybody in the whole friggin country knows that ya just got caught with your pecker in da damn watermelon. So take da sucker out, wipe off the freakin' seeds, and dammit go ahead and admit dat ya just flat out effed up son.

One thang 'bout us Americans is dat we are a very forgivin' bunch of guys and gals. I mean looky, we've already done went and forgave da French for all the damn shit dem French fryin' folks have pulled ever since World War II. And dey still owe us billions of dollars dat we lent 'em.

So Dicky boy...how 'bout ya grow ya a pair. I reckon you'll feel a whole lot better and you won't run da risk of gettin' your Left Coast ass impeached all to hell.

Well, I gotta go. I need to add my secret ingredients to another batch of my sausage.

Say hi to the young'uns, Tricia and Julie, and pat ol' Pat on her fine sweet lookin' ass for ol' Jimmy boy, ya hear?"

Jimmy Dean - 1928 - 2010

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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