Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Sunday, 6 June 2010

image for Tila Tequila Cries - "Why Won't Chad Ochocinco Return My Calls?"
Tila Tequila's pet dog named Coulter, which she says she named after Ann Coulter.

WEST HOLLYWOOD - Tila Tequila, prima donna slash diva who many are calling the Filipino Kate Gosselin said that she nearly overdosed on crackers.

She said that luckily her maid, Blanca Horchata, 48, found her, laid her on her stomach, and proceeded to kick the livin' hell out of her ass until the pieces of 39 crackers all shot out of her mouth like sweat beads shooting out of Shaquille O'Neal's face during a basketball game.

West Hollywood Police Officer Cuthbert "Cutty" Tunnelfish asked Miss Tequila why she had taken the 39 crackers. She grinned and said that she was depressed because she has fallen in love with Cheryl Burke's dance partner on Dancing With The Stars football player Chad Ochocinco and he will not return her calls.

She cried out to Officer Tunnelfish, "Sir, please tell me why Chaddy won't return my calls? Is it cause, maybe, perhaps I'm just not as pretty as Carrie Underwood, or as funny as Ellen DeGeneres, or as sexy as Pamela Anderson?"

"Yes, yes, and effen "A" yes."

Officer Tunnelfish then asked Blanca where the heck she learned that stomach emptying maneuver she used on Tila. Blanca said that she learned it from watching CSI: Miami.

Tunnelfish commended her and told her that she definitely saved Miss Tequila's life. He then told her that this is not the first time she has tried her little overdosing on food stunt.

Officer Tunnelfish said that two months ago he was called after Tila had ingested over 200 M&M's. He said that his partner, Joey Newbristles, Jr., performed the same 'ass-kicking' maneuver on her. He laughed and said that after he got finished there were tiny little itty bitty pieces of chocolate and candy shells all over the damn place.

He then stated that three months ago she had tried the same exact thing but using slices of white bread. He shook his head and said that she was rushed to the emergency room where doctors pumped her stomach and removed 21 slices of bread. Tila had actually swallowed each slice whole.

When asked if a person can swallow a bread slice whole, Officer Tunnelfish giggled and asked "Say, have you seen the mouth on that little bitch? Damn, the skanky ho could swallow a football, if she had too."

To view some rather erotic photographs of Tila Tequila's throat cavity log on to www.tilatequilatheskank.sux

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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