Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Wednesday, 2 June 2010

image for Simon Cowell Blasts X-Factor Judge Louis Walsh and Britain's Got Talent Judge Piers Morgan
Louis Walsh seen arriving at the X-Factor studios.

LONDON - In a somewhat surprising move Simon Cowell has lashed out at two of his employees. Cowell first jumped all over X-Factor judge Louis Walsh.

Cowell, who is known by many nicknames including "The Viceroy of Venom" remarked that Walsh has gotten pretty bad at picking out good talent.

Simon said that there was a time when Louis was pretty much on the money, but lately he has been just bloody awful. Cowell gave several examples of why he says Walsh has gotten horrible in his decision making.

Cowell said that Walsh voted to put through three acts that were as horrible as William Hung on American Idol several years ago.

The first horrendous act that he put through was Agatha Doozerflex, the 97-year-old Westminster native who played the Beatles song "Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da" with her belly button. Cowell said that not only was this disgusting, the poor old woman was way off key.

The second act Walsh put through that stunk beyond imagination was Bromley native Brenda Baiterbrew and her pet reindeer Taffy.

Simon said that yes, Taffy was in fact talented, but then added that there just isn't too much call for a reindeer that can dance the Argentine Tango while systematically shooting ping pong balls out of its ass.

And the third act that Walsh dropped the ball on was the Wriggleworth triplets from Glasgow, Scotland. The three rather nice young Scottish lassies are very talented in that they can paint landscapes while holding their paint brushes with their cervixes.

Cowell said that again, yes the men in the audience went crazy, but can the Wriggleworth triplets do a full hour nightclub act with this rather erotic act. Cowell replied, "If I may be honest...no."

Simon then turned his attention to Piers Morgan his fellow judge on Britain's Got Talent. Cowell said that Piers has gotten quite lax in his comments.

He pointed out that he voted to put a contestant through just simply because she had the same birth date as his. Again, the woman was okay, but who really wants to see a 57-year-old woman singing a Dolly Parton medley while standing on her head and breaking walnuts with her nipples.

And the latest Morgan decision that Cowell absolutely hated was when Piers decided to move on through to the next round an opera singer/pole dancer named Felicity Bockenfire, who was confined to a walker.

Cowell said that again, yes the young woman, who got hurt in a pole dancing incident, was very pretty, had a great personality, and she had some fine looking tits on her, but it just did not look right to see her pole dancing and singing while in a walker.

So Simon Cowell says that he may be looking to replace both Louis Walsh and Piers Morgan. He stated that anyone who may be interested in applying for those two judges jobs can log on to www.judgejobsonxfactorandbgt.cow

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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