Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Saturday, 29 May 2010

image for Jesse James Says He Cheated On Sandra Bullock Because of Twinkies
A photo of the tractor that Jesse James used to take his girlfriend to the high school prom.

LONG BEACH, California - Jesse "Dipstick" James says that he still thinks that his wife Sandra Bullock will find it in her heart of hearts to take him back.

[CUE THE LAUGH MACHINE]

James speaking while sitting on one of his 17 motorcycles in his West Coast Choppers shop said that he knows that he messed up a little but he admits that he has learned his lesson and he will never, ever, ever, ever, ever do it again.

He said that if he ever cheats on Sandra he will personally take a little tube of Krazy Glue and glue his wiener to his scrotum (his exact words).

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Ouch! Okay, but how will that do anything for his sexual relationship with his wife? Wow! I really do believe that the Nazi-loving, cornbread-dumb, redneck, white trash hick is definitely missing some of the number keys on his computer's keyboard.]

James was asked if he is still seeing any of his tattooed cycle chicks? He pauses for a second. Gets a weird far-away look in his eyes and says, "Hey, is this a trick question? I mean are you, you know trying to get me to say that I am still seeing some of my motorcycle mama's so that Sandy will see that I am lying about having learned my lesson and all?"

Jesse, you're just too damn quick son. You're so sharp Hispanic people call you "El Machete," Japanese people call you "Ginsu," and Brits call you "A bloomin' fookin' crotch-brained bloody stoopid bloke."

Jesse "Messy" James has all of the intelligence of a number two lead pencil. He is about as smart at mulch and really deserves to be with someone like Amy Winehouse, Courtney Love, Tatiana Del Toro, or Ann Coulter.

The punk broke the heart of a very classy lady.

And now the grown up boy actually has the onions to say that he blames his cheating on Twinkies.

Maybe one day the motorcycle maniac will grow up and act his age instead of his shoe size.

In other news. Rumors of a menage-a-trois between Barney Frank, Rosie O'Donnell, and Ricky Martin have been denied by O'Donnell and Martin. Frank just smiled and licked his lips.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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