Written by Phil Maggitti
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Thursday, 24 February 2005

image for Michael Jackson Jury About As Black As Michael
Why is this man on the jury?

SANTA MARIA, Calif. -- The twelve people who will decide whether Michael Jackson did indeed ply a thirteen-year-old former cancer patient with Mogen David 20/20 and erotic-shaped gummy bears is a jury of Michael's peers in one significant way: none of them is black. The four-man-eight-woman jury, which ranges in age from twenty (too old for Michael) to seventy-nine (158 in Michael years), comprises seven Caucasians, four sandalwood-mist individuals that may or may not be Hispanic, and one Cabalasian, the ethnic group founded by Tiger Woods.

"Michael is thrilled that his fate is in the hands of a colorblind panel," said jury selection consultant Rankin Fitch. "He was afraid that Negroes, the happy-go-lucky people on whom he had turned his back years ago, might return the favor if they were included in the jury."

The selection of the Black as Michael (BAM) jury caught some trial watchers by surprise. "I thought the defense would drag this thing out for weeks," said CNN legal bitch Nancy Grace. "Michael's obviously guilty. It's as plain as the nose on his face. So understandably the defense is in no hurry to go to trial. They know that as soon as the jury gets wind of the Pin the Tail on Michael game, the jig's up."

Although jury selection forms did not include a question about race, the questions they did contain provide an interesting portrait of the BAM jurors:

  • a 63-year-old, blind, retired 911 operator, who lists his hobbies as "watching" television, Braille cooking, and talking to his dead wife
  • a 51-year-old woman who works as a computer programmer for the North American Man-Boy Love Association
  • a 22-year-old mother of five employed as a cook at Taco Bell who wants her children to be in "cho bidness"
  • an unemployed, 62-year-old drag queen named Butterfield Ate, who is, pound for pound, the best Elizabeth Taylor impersonator in the Greater Los Angeles area
  • a 44-year-old magician who once made Gray Davis disappear
  • a 45-year-old woman who listed "book contract" as her goal in life
  • a 79-year-old retired librarian who writes erotic children's books "to keep me young"
  • a 21-year-old Alfred E. Neumann lookalike majoring in Caucasian studies at USC
  • a 42-year-old fortune teller who predicted lower-than-average rainfall for Southern California this winter
  • a 50-year-old woman who trains ponies for children's birthday parties and the adult entertainment industry
  • a 39-year-old woman who was voted "most likely to get jury duty in a celebrity trial" by her GED graduating class last year
  • a 20-year-old paralyzed from the waist down who "has fond memories" of a visit to Neverland with a United Cerebral Palsy group when he was in the sixth grade

In related news, most jurors told lawyers they enjoyed Jackson's music and were impressed by his singing and dancing ability, "which are rare in white people like him."

The 79-year-old juror, whose grandson is a registered sex offender, believes this will help her "be fair to Michael."

The horse trainer said she was surprised by Jackson's size, "but it ain't the engine, it's the engineer."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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