Written by Phil Maggitti
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Wednesday, 9 February 2005

image for Corey Feldman Hops a Ride on Michael Jackson's Train
Michael and Corey in happier times.

LOS ANGELES - Corey Feldman is the latest burned out, former child star to hitch a ride on the Gravy Train, apparently one of the favorite amusements at Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. Feldman told 20/20's Martin Bashir in an exclusive interview recently, "I started looking at each piece of information, and with that came this sickening realization that there have been many occurrences in my life and in my relationship to Michael that have created a question of doubt."

During his interview with Bashir, the wild-eyed, stuttering Feldman, 33, picked at a scab on his right arm as he spun a sordid tale of pajama parties fueled by Thunder Bird wine, Doritos, and Thai sticks the size of bananas.

"I will always hold Michael in a special place in my heart," said Feldman, brushing aside a tear, "but I realize now I should have held him at arm's length."

Although Jackson's trial has caused anguish among his legions of fans, residents of the Burned Out Child Stars Halfway House in Santa Barbara view his troubles as a way of solving their own.

"Did you see me on Oprah yesterday?" asked Feldman's close friend Corey Haim, 33, during a group therapy session. "I rocked. I did two monster rails of blow in the green room before I went on, then I said the most whack stuff. The audience ate it up. I haven't had that kind of pub since I set fire to the men's room at the Viper club. My agent said he got more calls last night than he got all last year."

"You were OK," said Macaulay Culkin, 24, "but wait until you see me on 60 Minutes next week. I made up this bogus story about Michael trying to get on the board of directors of Boys Town, and that Lesley Stahl skank bought it totally. Then I told her I was set to star in Home Alone with Michael, and she bought that too."

Burned out guys aren't the only ones who see the Jackson trial as jumper cables on the dead batteries of their careers. Winona Ryder, who can't get arrested in Hollywood these days, is telling any reporter who will listen that she was traumatized by her overnight stays at Neverland.

"My self-esteem suffered irreparably when Michael went upstairs with little boys, and I had to sleep in Bubbles' [the chimp's] room," says Ryder. "I resorted to stealing in order to feel loved."

In related news, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb told reporters that Jackson had offered him $5 million to yell "I'm Going to Neverland" into the nearest camera if Philadelphia had won the Super Bowl.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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