Written by Erskin Quint
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Saturday, 24 April 2010

image for Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, Kate Winslet and the Merkin
Modern Yak-Belly Merkins Are So Easy To Wear

It was while they were spending a relaxing long weekend at their bohemian flat in Much Wenlock in Shropshire recently, that Twilight duo, the elegantly wasted and sexily ashen couple Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, had the fashion idea that led to quite a bewildering saga for the gothic pair who are so popular among their fans at present.

A source close to the Daily Arse-Biscuit has revealed all there is to reveal and much more besides about this latest adventure of Rpattz and Kristen, the ethereally erotic ensemble who are so beautiful that they constantly struggle in a harsh world of reality.

This is the story that our source, who is close to an airing cupboard, related.

Robert had got up early, about 2pm, and had been out foraging for turnip pieces in the fields of Myfanywy Clitburglar, the S&M lesbian who is also a farmer at Clunt Hole Farm near the bohemian flat where RPattz and Kristen go for a rest.

Robert thought the turnip would make an interesting medieval addition to the pair's usual cigarette soup evening meal.

He was cooking the soup when Kristen came in naked from her shower.

After a brief discussion about the plight of the cuckoo - during which Kristen, while acknowledging that the decline in numbers of the migrant bird and the consequent loss of its mellifluous cry would be a tragedy, said that she thought this was quite good news for the small indigenous species upon which the cuckoo has been wont to prey - after this discussion, I say, the talk turned to mole ploughing.

This was due to the presence of a copy of Mole Ploughing Monthly magazine left on Robert and Kristen's Queen Anne Umbrella Stand by S&M lesbian farmer Myfanywy Clitburglar the previous evening, and eagerly devoured by the popular vampyre pair as they lay in bed smoking and drinking coke.

After this discussion - in which RPattz extolled the virtues of the Prince Mishkin Parabolic Subsoiler with its parabolic shank and spavined frame, the talk turned to Plaguelands, the movie in which the duo have been offered major roles.

Plaguelands will be set in medieval England and will tell the tragic tale of the forbidden love of a fragile, delicate but strong couple forced to live a fugitive existence because their supernatural gifts are misunderstood as witchcraft and warlockery by the brutal society they have to endure.

The movie will contain strong sex scenes, powerful depictions of medieval life, and nudity.

Since Kristen was naked in the kitchen that day, the talk naturally turned to the requirement in the script of Plaguelands for nudity, and medieval authenticity, and it was at this point - after the man came to read the electricity meter and Kristen had to cover her gaunt nakedness with the Mole Ploughing Monthly while he did so - that RPattz passed a comment upon Kristen's pubic hair, to the effect that its foliage was too sparsely modern to pass muster as the wild, uncultivated pubis of a sexy medieval fugitive.

Our source - who is close to heavy sedation - said that RPattz said "they didn't have landing strips there in those days, babe; you'll have to let it grow a bit." Now Kristen, a frail, faery creature of the night, abhors all that is horrid, filthy and bestial, and that is why she usually keeps her pubic hair trim, and prefers to be smooth and girlish down there.

She was aghast at Robert's suggestion, and raised her objections, while he stirred the turnip pieces in the tobacco soup, in an effort to create a meal that would give them an insight into medieval life.

RPattz is conscientious in that way, and in that way resembles a young Brando, or De Niro, but not in his acting, though in his thinking about his roles between-whiles, yes, he is a thinker between-whiles: that is a little-known fact about him.

But this is not the main thrust.

What was, was that what then transpired was that the sombre sylphlike sex-symbols had an argument.

There was a lot of sulking.

Kristen, totally nude, in the kitchen, sulking, is probably an exciting thing for many of her fans to consider, and that is why we offer you the image.

It is an alluring prospect (have you ever considered therapy? - Ed.) But eventually Kristen warmed to the idea of letting her garden grow.

But, soft, lest her legions of fans think that she has in any way been weak, let us straightway reassure.

For yes, she agreed that a trim box would not be a la mode in medieval England.

But this does not mean she was prepared to forgo her principles and allow her own hair to luxuriate. No. Au contraire.

What actually happened was something of an inspiration.

This does happen to the vampyre children sometimes, which adds to their mystical mysteriousness.

Kristen, sighing, looked at her furless fanny and had a brainwave.

"I know! Let's ask Auntie Kate", she exclaimed.

And so it was that the fey feral friends sent mature, increasingly-matronly actress Kate Winslet an importunate text message, to which she did not reply, as she hates mobile phones.

Undeterred, Kristen got dressed and persuaded Myfanwy Clitburgler to give her a lift on her tractor to the telephone kiosk outside the Wife-Beater's Arms, and Kristen rang Kate Winslet up.

Using this primitive technology was "so retro and cool", Kristen said to Robert later, as they ate (drank, surely? - Ed.) their soup, and explained that, yes, Kate Winslet had agreed to visit and discuss the vexed question of pubic hair through the ages.

Auntie Kate did visit.

Her chauffeur, ex-Minder barman Glynn Edwards, drove her in her Bentley Continental Sports Saloon.

After an interesting afternoon languishing in a local Victorian ruin, RPattz, Kristen and Kate Winslet enjoyed a sumptuous tobacco soup washed down with coke dinner, and then - after an enjoyable game of Pin the tail on the Ombudsman, they all settled down before a roaring gas fire and the talk turned to Plaguelands.

Kate Winslet is no stranger to period pieces, having played many a PMT-victim in her drama college days (that's not funny - Ed.).

Also, she has acted as many a woman from the past.

And this is why it was such an inspirational idea for Kristen to think of inviting Auntie Kate and asking her advice on pubic hair in history, for Kate Winslet it was who starred in the film The Reader, in which she played an ex-Nazi woman in the 1950s who was mature and showed her snatch which was hardly brazilian and, being thus, hirsute, was quite in keeping with those olden days of the 1950s before the internet and ludicrous pubic shaving fads (have you got issues here? - Ed.).

Kate was, as ever, all ears (that's a bit harsh - Ed.), and keen to help.

And so it was, that Kate Winslet was able to reassure poor, gazelle-lithe, gamine Kristen, that she would not have to grow her own garden at all.

The shock revelation from Kate - reassuring in a 1940s "war effort" dungaree outfit - came soon thereafter.

And it was thus, this, thus.

That she, Kate Winslet, Titanic prow-plaything of DiCaprio, had not worn a merkin, or pubic wig for her nude scenes in The Reader, but had bared her own feminine forest.

Now you, dear reader, may be wondering how on earth this would help Kristen, who is so averse to the notion of going natural.

Well, it was thus.

Kate, after explaining that the stories about her having to wear a merkin for the scenes in The Reader where her character takes advantage of a naive teenager are all mere myths, went on to reassure Kristen that, since that film was made, merkin technology has developed apace and that a modern yak-belly merkin is so fine and elegant that it would be likely to suit even an elfin faery like Kristen, and so she might very readily play a filthy, ragged, hairy peasant-girl in the movie Plaguelands, but remain true to herself as the hairless girl-ghost beneath the costume.

"After all", Kate breathed, as she ran her hands down her dungaree-obscured cocoa-powder painted legs, "it's all an illusion, it's all in the mind, you know." Meanwhile, while this was going on, Robert Pattinson was talking about greyhound racing with Kate Winslet's chauffeur, Glynn Edwards, who was stabbed to death by Michael Caine in the film Get Carter, proving the illusory nature of the reality inhabited by those who act out roles for a living and for our entertainment.

Make Erskin Quint's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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