Written by P.M. Wortham
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Topics: Music, Old People

Thursday, 22 April 2010

image for Over 40 Crowd Swoons for Michael Buble'
Too small to toss on stage for Michael Buble's Road Crew

Mature female audiences the world over have found a new crooning heartthrob to adore, whose name alone paints the romantic picture of a chilled glass of Champagne. Still hot from his recent win at the Canadian JUNO Awards, Michael Buble' has been selling out venues to crowds of screaming, underwear throwing fans.

Filling a void on the musical scene since the absence of Sinatra and the rest of the Rat Pack, and updating to a cleaner image than carried by the likes of grease ball, Tom Jones, Buble' exudes the innocent and clean-cut demeanor of the "not-to-hideously-ugly boy next door". Self proclaimed super-fan, Anita Schpanking, likens Buble's performances to a perfect date. "Michael is the kind of guy who shows up to your door in a clean suit, with a dozen roses, and dinner and dancing on his mind. The kind of date all women want and never get".

And Buble' exploits that expectation. Always dressed in a simple black suit and tie, clean hair cut and a trained voice as smooth as olive oil, Buble' seduces his audience with classic stories and images of the perfect romance. "That's why it takes us an hour to clean up the stage afterwards", says stage roadie and former Jewish Rodeo Champion Bucky Weinstein. "We have to pull out the 60 gallon garbage bags to collect all the underwear tossed on stage".

"That the least we can do to show our appreciation", says Schpanking. "And I mean, the very least. As in if I had a backstage pass and access to his dressing room, there would be more I would do, as many times as Michael would need me to do it", says the ample breasted and wide bottomed, Schpanking.

"We know they are just enthusiastic", says Weinstein, "But we do recycle the undergarments to some degree and donate the rest to charity". Asked for examples, Weinstein added, "We tend to use some of the larger bras as padded tie-downs for equipment on the truck. Ttriple D cups tend to hug the corners of our amplifiers pretty well, but the panties are a different story I'd rather not get into". After some prodding, Weinstein added, "Well, they all need to be washed, but some of the panties are so large; we use them on our bus windows to block out sunlight".

The Buble' Bra and Panties Tour continues through Canada and the U.S. this summer. Weinstein asks audience members to "Please wear black". As explained to the press, black apparently works better as a sunlight blocker.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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