A clearly agitated Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart today faced the press at Planet Hollywood in Hollywood in order to hotly - nay, furiously - deny a news story which broke today alleging that the first thing they do when they're on location is scout out a 'Colonel,s Fried Chicken' (sic) outlet.
Robert Pattinson, his knuckles turned white as he clenched his fists in barely suppressed rage, snarled:
"I don't know where these people get these stories from, probably some whack-job website used by brain-dead guppies, but this story simply is an outright lie. Kristen and I are well aware that the Colonel didn't get his fried chicken franchise business up and running until he'd reached retirement age. But that doesn't mean we endorse it. The truth is that we'd never encourage kids to eat junk-food. We have a responsibility towards our young audience."
"That's right," a plainly seething Kristen Stewart added. "Besides, we'd never endorse a product unless they paid us a whole heap of money to do so. The stories about Rob and I being some sort of fast-food junkies is just a crock of crap. Let me tell you guys something - you don't get a figure, or a complexion like mine by stuffing your face with fried chicken by the fucking bucket load. Right now we're considering taking legal action against the writer and publisher of this crap."
"It wasn't me!" a reporter from Skoob news piped up. "It was SPECTRUM. I tell you it was SPECTRUM done it! And that Lowton fella! It wasn't us! It was THEM!"
"Grassing bastard!" somebody with a Scottish accent growled from the crowd.
More when Robert pattinson and Kristen Stewart face Mark Lowton across a crowded courtroom.
Probably on a hot muggy afternoon in Alabama.
With Kevin Costner in a white linen suit acting for the defence.