Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Friday, 26 March 2010

image for Kirstie Alley's Ex-Maid Said That The Only Thing That Kirstie Does Not Eat Is Words
A 3 pound lobster which Kirstie uses as a dinner appetizer.

HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Vanessa Vagiopello, who worked for three years as Kirstie Alley's maid, has revealed some interesting secrets about the 409 pound actress in her recently published book, Thar She Blows - The Kirstie Alley Story.

Vagiopello said that when she first went to work for Ms. Alley, Madam Kirstie (as Alley insists on being called) only weighed 335.

A year later she had gone up to 387, and four months later she was tipping the scale at 409. Vagiopello remarked that just about the only thing that Kirstie does not eat is words.

Vagi, as Madam Kirstie affectionately called her, said that Kirstie made her, the cook, the two gardeners, and her grocer sign a binding contract stating that they would not reveal any intimate secrets about any of her many intimate parts.

Vagiopello said that since she is no longer an employee of Fat Ass Productions, Alley's production company those rules, regulations, and requirements do not apply to her.

Vagi said that Kirstie has put several of her old used panties on eBay and sold them as Volkswagen Beetle car covers. She has also sold some of her DDD bras as twin palm tree planters.

Ms. Vagiopello said that several times Kirstie told her not to bother her because she would be in her master bedroom's Bolivian style bathtub taking a bath with Burt Reynolds.

It was not made clear if she was referring to Burt Reynolds the former actor, who no longer looks the same thanks to $375,000 worth of plastic surgery to his face or Burt Reynolds, the restaurateur who owns The Burt Reynolds Mexican Deluxe Dinners #2 Diner in La Brea.

SIDENOTE: Miss Vagiopello has said that Searchlight Pictures has met with her about buying the movie rights to her book. They say that they hope to hire either Kathleen Turner or Kathy Bates to play Alley.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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