Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Saturday, 13 March 2010

image for Charlotte Church Reveals How She Lost 87 Pounds!
Charlotte Church sitting in her backyard eating a non-caloric sturgeon crumpet.

LONDON - Charlotte Church, one of the most outspoken singers to ever come out of Wales has lost a total of 87 pounds.

Church said that the reason she decided to go on a diet was simply because she got fed up with all of the criticism from the dozens of bitches and bastards who have nothing better to do than to criticize those who are abundantly talented and somewhat overweight.

The 24-year-old Welsh classical singer remarked, "I could not believe it, people actually cared more about what was on and in me stomach than what was on and in me mind."

Charlotte appeared on Friday Night with Jonathan Ross wearing a beautiful black minidress that excellently showed off her fantastic body and her tremendous weight loss.

Ross replied that Lottie actually looked a bit like American actress Lindsay Lohan, except without all of the freckles, facial wrinkles, and wrist cuts.

Jonathan then smiled and remarked how splendid she looked. Church blushed and then Ross asked her if she had borrowed that dress from her 12-year-old niece.

Charlotte began laughing so hard she actually had to tell Ross that she was going to have to run back to the little girls' room. Jonathan grinned like the Chelsea cat that swallowed the Croydon canary and offered to help her.

Church thanked him and told him that her Rugby playing boyfriend, the very jealous Gavin Henson, was sitting in the first row and that if she needed any help he would certainly be able to assist her.

Ross went to a commercial. When he returned he asked Charlotte about her brand new TV show entitled, Somewhere Over The Bloomin' Rainbow.

Church said that she can hardly wait and she has already had commitments from Cheryl Cole, Pixie Lott, Amanda Holden, Camilla Parker Bowles, and the very pregnant Dannii Minogue to appear as her guests.

Ross asked her how she felt about her 87 pound weight loss. Charlotte smiled and said that it was kinda like losing Dannii Minogue, before she got pregnant of course.

When asked how she went about losing all of that weight she said that for two months straight she subsided on nothing but Lipton Tea and non-caloric sturgeon fish. She said that she had non-caloric sturgeon fish three times a day.

She was asked if she ever had desert. She replied that once a week, usually on Wednesday, she would have a small bowl of non-caloric sturgeon sugar-free Jello.

Charlotte also volunteered that she completely quit smoking. She confessed that she had gotten to where she was smoking 44 cigarettes a day, just like one of her closest friends Simon Cowell.

In a related story. Charlotte has expressed to her friend Simon Cowell that she would love to become one of the X-Factor judges. She says that she knows that she could easily replace that nasty-mouthed, fat-arsed slob that nobody likes Louis Walsh.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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