Written by Cragglefish
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Thursday, 4 March 2010

image for 'Wanking' Game Removed From Shelves
This goat was appalled too

Gaming corporation Wankbrothers have come under severe fire after one of their popular Wii games requires frantic 'masturbatory movements' in order to get a high score.

The controversy was uncovered by concerned parent Michael Bates who described walking in on his two sons playing the game as: "akin to being shot in the face with filth bullets."

"I walked in to see them frenetically shaking the remotes up and down with a wrist action which even the most celibate of nuns would recognise," Mr Bates relayed. "The worst part is they were shouting about how they needed to shake it until the they had 'choked the one-eyed goat'."

The game "My L'il Farmyard Frolics" features a variety of farmyard-based mini-games in which the aim is to get a greater score than your competitor. Derek Dibdall of 'SPOONK! Games' described the claims as 'preposterous' stating: "The mini-game 'One-Eyed Goat' requires the player to grab the goat's neck with one hand and shake until the goat chokes up a piece of undigested food. It is an educational game that teaches positive animal welfare- the idea that this is in some way sexual is preposterous."

When pressed further about why almost every other game on the disc requires exactly the same movement, Mr Dibdall replied: "That is an unfortunate coincidence. The shaking motion used on "Stroke The Chicken- QUICK!", "Toss The Farmer's Hay Bales" and 'Polish The Cylindrical Golden Gatepost' is a completely necessary movement and the games would not have worked without it."

At a press conference tackling the issue, Mr Bates was able to confront Mr Dibdall head-on: "Are we really to believe that the repeated use of this motion is just a coincidence? There is even an intenet craze in which teenagers are secretly filming their friends playing 'My L'il Farmyard Frolics' then posting them up on Youtube in a blaze of hilarity. One of which- "My Mate Wankin' Over Wii- LOLZ" has accumulated 177million views in 4 days."

Dibdall recoiled then offered: "This is by no means the only action in the game, umm...for example, the motion used in 'Hungry Suckling Calves'-"

"Oh? You mean the mini-game where one player holds his remote at waist height and the other gets down on both knees and repeatedly suckles on it?!!"

"We were trying to give an accurate representation of the way a calf, in its infancy-"

At this point an assassin, assumed to be from Wankbrothers, shot Dibdall with a blow dart, grabbed him and leapt from the window into a waiting helicopter.

It is understood that Michael Bates is to receive a full refund for his game.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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