The ever escalating degree of confusion in the footballer's WAGs scandals of the last couple of weeks have now become so convoluted, unbelievable and impossible to keep up with that the MTTRU (Media Tittle-Tattle Reporter's Union) has considered lodging a 'Cease And Desist' court order against all participants in order to allow the press and public to catch up.
Over the last few days, what appeared to be a regular 'can't get enough of it' pantsdown scandal has seen more twists and turns than a ride to the airport with Cristiano Ronaldo.
To be honest, I've lost track of it all too. From what I can ascertain, which isn't much, I can tell you that Wayne Bridge's lawyers have allegedly filed for reduced maintenance payments because Vanessa Perroncel apparently received between £400 thousand and £800 thousand in hush money from John Terry, who was subsequently relieved of the England captaincy, and whose wife and children buggered off to Dubai to escape the media frenzy.
Then Ashley Cole gave away a mobile phone containing revealing images of himself, which found their way into the hands of glamour (tits out!) model Sonia Wilde, who insisted that the images had been sent to her by Ashley Cole himself. Although he denies it. The calamity was deepened even further when Cole broke his ankle in a tackle with USA and Everton star Landon Donovan, and was ruled out of the World Cup. Which implies that former best buddies John Terry and Wayne Bridge will have to play together after all, as Bridge is widely regarded as Ashley Cole's understudy.
All of which prompted Cheryl Cole's Mum, Joan, to advise the Geordie wife to dump her husband Ashley Cole because he's had plenty of chances and yet still can't seem to be able to contain his enthusiasm and lust for life in his pants. Even though Ashley insists it's all a horrible mistake and most observers believe him.
In the meantime, John Terry missed Chelsea's cup tie with Cardiff City at Stamford Bridge on Saturday, having been given compassionate leave to join his family in Dubai for some loving family (non-publicity generating) photo opportunities. Mr and Mrs Terry are now reported to be very much back in love and reportedly went on a candle-lit night time scuba dive in the gulf for Valentine's Day, which they allegedly didn't pay for because it was 'a gift.'
On top of all this, Victoria Beckham seems to have been elected the agony aunt and patron saint of the distraught WAGs because she's been through it all. Whatever 'it all' may, or may not be.
Indeed, so earth shattering have these revelations been, that Manchester City's Craig Bellamy getting twatted outside a Cheshire footballer's haunt by a Manchester United fan barely made the column fillers.
Reporters and public alike can barely keep up.
More when I sober up.