Written by dalepetrie
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Topics: Music, business

Monday, 27 September 2004

image for Cher Announces Plans for 7 More Farewell Tours in Next 3 Years
Cher without her makeup

Pop star Cher has announced plans to try to break the world record for number of times one person has "retired" from the music business, by embarking on an ambitious plan to go on 7 more "farewell" tours over the next 3 years. As of now, Cher, 72, has retired 44 times, and she hopes to have retired a grand total of 51 times by March of 2008, breaking by one the world record of 50 farewell tours set by the rock band Kiss. This news comes one day after Kiss lead singer Gene Simmons made a dramatic announcement on stage that the current show would be their last when he said, "…I was doing this chick froggie-style backstage before the show, and by the time I was done I looked down and noticed my once enormous cock has been whittled down to the size of a toothpick from overuse. As such, I see no reason to continue touring…I've got all the money I'll ever need and without the equipment necessary to take advantage of all the jailbait poon, my heart just isn't in it anymore. As such, tonight will be our final show ever, thank you all and good night." After that, Gene spit out copious amounts of fake blood all over the audience, a huge pyrotechnic device exploded, and the band disappeared from the stage in the midst of the smoke and flame.

Just five hours after this news hit the wires, Cher issued a press release to announce that with her most fierce competitor for this highly regarded world record now officially out of the race, she would be securing her status as most often retired by embarking on an ambitious 7 farewell tours in 3 years plan. In this press release, she defended her often-attacked integrity by stating that she would no longer attempt to mislead her fans. "This is it, unless R.E.M. or Billy Joel or someone else like that decides to retire 52 times, I plan to make my fifty first farewell tour my last farewell, and assume my rightful spot in Las Vegas, until such time as my team of plastic surgeons and Bob Mackie can no longer keep my breasts from dragging on the floor…after that I suppose I'll just set up a stage in Branson. Unlike the ‘Believe' Farewell tour or the ‘Living Proof' Farewell tour, or the newest just plain old ‘Farewell' tour, I plan to give my next seven farewell tours honestly descriptive names.

"The first tour which will bring me through most of North and South America will be called the ‘Massive Facial Reconstruction Payment Plan' farewell tour, it will last five months and hit 78 cities. Next will be my European farewell tour, which will be called the ‘My Final Attempt to Find a Swarthy 18 Year Old Boy Toy' farewell tour, it will last six months and hit 91 cities. My next two tours will be my most extensive, they will be my ‘Hip Replacement (Left)' farewell tour and ‘Hip Replacement (Right)' farewell tour, which will cover the Western and Eastern hemispheres respectively, these will last a year combined and will hit 192 cities. My next tour will be my shortest, lasting only 3 months and will focus mostly on Asia, hitting 20 cities and it will be called the ‘Elijah's Music Career Failed Again, He's Moving Back Home, and I Can Make More Money In Asia Than Anywhere Else' farewell tour.

"After this, my second to the last tour is slated to last 4 months, focusing solely on the U.S., and it is tentatively to be called the ‘I Had the Neptunes Write and Produce One Last #1 Song for Me So I Could Play to A Room Full of Moronic American Teenagers One Last Time' farewell tour, but of course the Neptunes could be replaced by another hit hitmaker/production team, depending on who's got their finger on the pulse come late 2007. Then finally, my last 6-month tour will not hold to a particular geographic location. Instead, I have a group of pollsters trying to find the 72 cities throughout the world where my wealthiest, most die-hard fans live. I plan to call this tour the ‘$500 a Ticket' farewell tour…I plan to start running commercials in all these cities about a year in advance letting people know it will be their "LAST CHANCE EVER" to see me on tour.

"I'll probably do as many as 3 nights in some of these cities…sure I'll be tired by the time it's over, but then I'll be officially retired and I can take it easy for a month before I start my one woman show in Vegas. I plan to do 3 one hour shows a day at a range of $125 to $1,000 a seat, but it will be worth it as each show will feature 15 costume changes. What's more, to make the show worth seeing multiple times, I plan to have a facelift every 30 days, so no one fan will ever see the same Cher twice."

The announcement sent shock waves through the music community, prompting a number of celebrities from the music industry to comment on Cher's plans. The following are quotes from a number of those rock and roll heavy hitters:

Ozzy Osbourne, another musician who has retired many times himself said, "…that bloody bdisln man, she wsuusshd dssrmnh…"

Glen Frey and Don Henley of the Eagles agreed, issuing a joint statement which read, "it's not about how many times you retire…we think 6 or 7 retirements will be enough…it's about how much you charge per ticket. Cher should really be charging $500 a ticket for her Facial Reconstruction tour, then upping the price by a couple hundred bucks a ticket for each "farewell" afterwards. Then she could do her final show on New Years' eve 2007/2008 in New York City and charge 5 grand a seat. We think she's missing out."

Hip-hop superstar Jay-Z disagreed with the Eagles, saying, "a real performer should think about retiring 100 times or more. I've retired 17 times already and I'm only a third her age. By the time her stitches pop and she falls apart into a heap of warm goo, I'll probably have retired 60 or 70 times."

Sir Elton John added, "Vegas is the perfect place for us aging fags…what…Cher's a woman?"

Britney Spears remarked, "I don't see what the big deal is, I plan to retire many times…oh, what…'retire' doesn't mean the same thing as ‘marry'? Oh, never mind."

A panel of rock journalists has yet to interpret Osbourne's rantings, and they have said of the Eagles that their circumstances are different because they retired for 14 years at one point and Cher has never been retired for more than a week and a half. They have also written off the comments of Elton John and Britney Spears as delirious, probably in the words of rock journalist Dave Marsh, "the result of semen poisoning to their brains." Only Jay-Z's comments really had much resonance in the rock community, however it is agreed by most experts that Jay's status as a stone cold gangsta rapper will probably cut his life short well before he usurps Cher's record.

In conclusion, it is generally agreed among most music experts that unless Cher's mostly plastic body melts, disintegrates or otherwise implodes before 2008, or Gene Simmons figures out how to grow a new schlong, this record will probably last forever. A record company executive who wishes to remain anonymous described the reasons for this best when he said, "back in the 60s and 70s, legends like Cher and the Rolling Stones were made. Much like the mafia, once they were made, they could (and did) put out crap for the next few decades, but because they were legends, idiots would still think their music was worth listening to decades later, even when they put out garbage that a retarded third grader could write. Now, the record companies no longer believe in the concept of A & R, and are perfectly willing to whore their labels out to whoever will catch the whim of the troglodytes buying CDs these days. As such, there are no more legends being made, and barring an existing legend that I'm forgetting about having already retired 30 or 40 times, there is no one left with the life expectancy to break this record, nor is it possible for any up and coming performer to ever hope to have the career longevity to retire this many times. So, I wish Cher the best, and I offer her this advice. Watch out for Madame Toussaud's. I've heard they're trying to kill you so they can just put your body up in their museum and save on the labor and material, since your body now has less organic material than one of their sculptures."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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