Written by Kenneth Manboobs
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Sunday, 10 April 2005

image for Britney Spears Loses Ability to "Drop It Like It's Hot"
Spears can now barely "put one foot in front of the other."

Malibu, CA - Recently remarried and former pop princess Britney Spears has reportedly lost the ability to "drop it like it's hot". Sources close to the singer failed to finger one particular cause, but speculation in Tinsel Town is rampant.

It is no secret that Spears has taken on a rather dumpy appearance as of late. The expedited acceleration of her journey down the slippery slope of cellulite that is womanhood has been particularly alarming though. Her last album turned out to be an utter disappointment financially, and Spears has recently canceled a tour due to an outbreak of "fatback".

In true trailer park fashion Britney was recently married for a second time to daddy twice over and backup dancer Kevin Federline. Even friends have called for a halt to the madness. Reached for comment in the singer's hometown, one childhood friend pleaded with Spears to "remember J-Lo."

"She's taken it too far," says one industry executive "once you cut (pop stars) loose from carefully managed handlers, ‘poof', it's like the clock strikes midnight."

In addition to her bout with "creamcheesethighsitus" Spears has seemly lost her grip on the core audience that boosted her to the top of the charts in the first place. Twelve-year-old Jessica Ramirez from nearby Glendale openly called the performer out. "When I was like eight she was all happy and singing about boys and bubblegum. Now she's gone and started kissing old Jewish women. Now I'm only getting a quarter of the uncomfortable looks from grown men that I got when I was ten."

The final straw appears to have snapped earlier this week as Spears was rehabbing her knee. Jamal Tanner, Britney's longtime choreographer, stated simply, "She's lost it." When asked to expand on his answer Tanner became agitated. "I asked her to start with something we've been working on for a few months and I got nothing. At first I didn't say anything because I knew she had been under stress lately, so I asked her to ‘shake her groove thing'. She game me three steps of the electric slide before she had to take a break."

When he vocalized his concern, Tanner says that the multi-platinum selling artist simply pulled out a Sun Drop and a Virginia Slim and ignored him.

But it was not until later that afternoon that Tanner realized how low she had sunk. "It was when I asked her to ‘drop it like it's hot' that I finally understood, that there was no ‘hot' to it", said the distraught choreographer.

Representatives from the Spears camp declined to comment extensively about the incident, saying only, "Who doesn't love a little KFC at three in the morning?" When pressed for more information, the spokeswoman did admit that Britney had hit a "soft spot" in her career, but vowed that "Jessica Simpson can have Daisy Duke, because Britney would be back."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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