PANAMA CITY, Florida - Tiger Woods mother Kuntakinta Woods was visiting a cousin in Panama City when she was asked to comment on her son's so called "Golf Gate" circus.
She stated that it was not a circus, a circus is a happy place with clowns, and horses, and lions, and shit. She added that Tiger seemed to have been involved in a damn booty boppin' bikini burger pokin' marathon.
She stated that she did not raise her son to be no skirt-chasing half-black Bill Clinton. Kunti, as her neighbors call her said "I is sho nuff disappointed in my little Tiggy for da ways he be lettin' his pecka do da thinkin' for hisself."
Kunti went on to say "Da boy, and yes I can calls him boy, because in my eyes he will always be a little boy, exceptin' for da damn fact dat he be pokin' all dem tall, long-legged fine-looking white bitches and shit."
Tiger's mother said that she remembers when he first started dating the Swedish model Elin Nordegren. "Tiggy, I member tellin' to him dat he best be lookin' out fur wheres he puts his pecka and iffin he ain't got no raincoat on da sucker den he be givin' fo sho some white ho 'bouts half of what money he be havin' for hisself to herself."
Kunti shook her head. She put down her bottle of cooking wine and said, "But dids da little black boy listens to his black mami, hells no, and why not? Cause he be's a-thinkin' wif da noodle in his boxer shorts instead of wif da noodle in his head dat be why not."
In other news. Reports are still somewhat sketchy, but that giant hailstorm that hit the Eskimo village of Polar Bear Balls, Alaska had some hailstones the size of damn pumpkins. Luckily since every thing in the village is made out of ice the pumpkin size hail did not do one bit of damage.