ORLANDO - In a move that most everyone figured would finally happen, Elin Nordegren Woods has filed for a divorce from her philandering husband of five years Eldrick Tont Woods.
The ex-Swedish model has told her attorney Reinhold Valterssen that she wants to drop the surname Woods as well as the 'dick with feet' named Tiger.
A close friend of Elin's who asked to remain anonymous stated that by the time that the divorce dust settles Miss Elin will end up with enough money to go back to Sweden and pretty much buy the country if she wants to.
And she will most probably have enough money left over to buy Denmark and most of Norway as well.
Tiger Woods reportedly told their house maid Paprika LaTibia Madison that it was simply just a case of the seven year itch showing up two years early and rearing its ugly head.
Paps replied that it was most definitely a case of ugly head rearing alright but it wasn't the seven year itch's ugly head rearing, it was the rearing of the ugly head that was tap-dancing and hip-hoping in Tiger's continuously cavorting crotch.
Tiger got so mad that he told Mrs. Madison that she was fired. She laughed and said "No problem chump. Now what the heck did I do with that number to The National Enquirer?"
"Paps, I'm hiring you back."
"No sir, you done fired my hardworking bottom. I'm outta here."
Tiger pleaded with her to stay. He told her that if she would return to work for him that he would give her a raise.
"How much of a raise?" She asked grinning from ear-to-ear.
Tiger told her that he would double her salary. Mrs. Madison asked if he had said double or triple. Tiger said that he had meant to say triple.
"And I wants you to buy me a brand spanking new 2010 Subaru Brat."
Tiger said that he would buy her the Subaru but that there was really no need to call him a brat. Paps started laughing and told him that the car was a 2010 Subaru Brat, not him.
She then smiled and said that he ain't no brat but he sure is one low-life bastard. She then asked him if she could be honest with him. He nodded yes.
She raised her eyebrows and told him to face reality and to realize that the only reason he was able to get all of them dozen or so gorgeously beautiful and sexy white women was because he was Tiger Woods, the famous golfer worth about one billion dollars.
She paused and told him that if he had just been Elrick Tont Woods, the insurance man, he would not have been able to get shit, and especially no white women except for maybe Amy Winehouse, Courtney Love, or Ann Coulter.
Tiger looked down at the floor. And Mrs. Madison heard him softly say, "I know."
In other news. Australia is reporting that due to last years tremendous drought there is hardly any vegetation for the kangaroos to eat. One game warden from Sydney said that the situation has gotten so bad, that he has seen several instances of kangaroos picking each others pockets looking for something to eat.