Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Sunday, 13 December 2009

image for Strictly Come Dancing's Ali Bastian Scores Five Perfect Tens But Still Gets Booted Off
Alesha Dixon reading The London Hand-Held Daily Mirror at her London home.

LONDON - The star of the soap opera Hollyoaks and the drama series Bill Ali Bastian and her partner Brian Fortuna danced good enough to receive a perfect score of 50 out of 50 from the quintet of Strictly Come Dancing judges but in the end it was not enough.

Ali Bastian, 26, did not impress the voters as she was the latest to be eliminated from the dancing reality show.

Show host Bruce Forsyth shook his head in total disbelief. He responded by saying that its like that American basketball superstar Kobe Bryant being told that he is not good enough to play for the world champion Los Angeles Lakers.

"I mean ladies and gentleman Mr. Bryant is the Los Angeles Lakers in the same vein that Miss Ali Bastian is Strictly Come Dancing. I am flabbergasted, dumb founded, and famished."

Judge Bruno Tonioli asked "Famished?" And Forsyth replied that yes the unbelievable vote count results had utterly shocked him and left him hungry and in urgent need of a plate of fish and chips with a cup of tea on the side.

Len Goodman remarked that the voting results were a bloomin' travesty of the most epically travestic proportions. Milquetoast judge Craig Revel Horwood asked Goodman if travestic was a word.

Goodman fired back by saying that if he bloomin' said the word that it is by all means a frickin word and for Mr. Revy Hor to shut his pie hole or risk the possibility of him grabbing Bruno's pasta sandwich and sticking it down his throat.

Revel Horwood told Goodman to go back to sleep as he had apparently not quite finished his daily nap.

New judge Darcey Bussell laughed out loud. Alesha Dixon, who confided to Tonioli backstage that she cannot stand that Bussell woman, told Ms. Bussell that she is nothing but a female 'Johnny Come Lately' judge and that she has not yet earned the right to be laughing at anyone.

She then remarked that since she is the 'new judge at the table' she has also not yet earned the right to be questioning a veteran, well-respected judge such as Craig Revel Horwood, forget the fact that Craig somewhat resembles Elton John in his feminine mannerisms, as well as in his choice of wardrobe.

Bussell took Miss Dixon's advice and apologized. Dixon accepted the apology while telling her that she can learn volumes just by simply observing the older more experienced judges.

Meanwhile, Bruce Forsyth turned to Ali and asked if he could ask her a personal question. Ali blushed and replied that he could as long as it did not pertain to her bumpy bits, her bahookie, or her fillet o' fish.

Forsyth thought for a moment and said that he agreed to her request. He asked Ali if the rumors that her and her dance partner Brian had done a little bit of tender touching by the Thames were in fact true.

Ali turned two shades of pink. She composed herself and replied that she had gathered that the full on-the-mouth kiss that she had just shared with Brian was taken to mean that there was more between her and Brian baby them just a little bit of cha cha chaing, tangoing, and Viennese waltzing.

Bruce grinned and showed the couple several intimate photos of the two that he had downloaded off the Internet just minutes before the start of the show.

Brian looked at the photos and informed Bruce that the photos had most definitely been photoshopped. He pointed out that he does not own a pair of red boxer shorts with the Liverpool Reds logo embroidered on them.

And Ali said that she promises that she does not have a tattoo of Buckingham Palace tattooed on her lower backside, which in scientific terms would be described as the gluteus maximus.

Forsyth apologized to the couple and told them that he would like to take the two out to dinner at the exquisite John Steed & Emma Peel Steakhouse Restaurant.

The two said that would be positively spiffy.

In unrelated news. A group of explorers in Northern Alaska say that they have spotted a polar bear that has eight legs. They took photos of this amazing animal and tried to catch it but the son-of-a-bitch was just too damn fast!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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