Written by Cassandra Inteli
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Wednesday, 9 December 2009

image for Kevin Jonas Wedding Scandals - Danielle Tells All!
A happier Danielle on her wedding day, before finding her husband dead.

What happens when Kevin Jonas decides to "be nice" and invite the Twilight cast to a party?

Not-so-amazing things, I can tell you that.

Kevin Jonas's wedding was so private that his wedding was last night and nobody even knew! "We're so proud that we could make this possible. I could keep all of those crazy fans away," Danielle, his wife, says.

Or is it Danielle, the widow? Kevin Jonas was found dead this morning with many bruises and gashes. The NCIS cast, who was invited, was on the scene, only to find out that despite their popular TV show, David McCallum who plays "Ducky" can not actually perform and autospy and accidentally spilled all of his internal organs all over Miley Cyrus's new dress. She was forced to walk around in a bed sheet for the rest of the night, posing for many photographers.

Joe Jonas did not attend the party but made a twenty-second phone call, that sounded remarkably similar to his break-up phone call with Taylor Swift, expressing his concern for his brother's "injury". Nick brought up going "solo" and hastily left the scene.

Zac Efron was found holding a bloody candlestick, passed out on the couch next to Taylor Lautner. Danielle was the only concious person in the room at the time, so her story goes like this:

"Oh, my Kevin wanted to invite the Twilight Cast to end the Jonas-Twilight feud. Zac Efron and Taylor Lautner had a flexing contest with my Kevin and then poor Kevin lost! Well, turns out Taylors's ten pack won the contest so Zac got upset and tried to prove that High School Musical was better than Twilight and then someone insulted Vanessa Ann Hudgens and well, that was it! Zac and Taylor were passed out and Kevin tried to break them up at one point and I think he got in the way."

When asking Rob Pattinson about the wedding, Rob Pattinson replied, "What wedding?"

Is Danielle's "invite the Twilight Cast" story true?

On top of all of that, Selena Gomez talked to a random caterer so they MUST BE DATING and ELOPING and HAVING KIDS because EVERYBODY KNOWS that when a star TALKS to somebody, they MUST be dating!

Zac Efron and Taylor Lautner have been "cleared of all charges" due to the chief of police's very convincing reason of "cleared for extreme gorgeousness".

Oh, guess what? Michael Jackson's STILL dead!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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