Written by Kenneth Manboobs
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Topics: Police, drunk

Thursday, 26 August 2004

image for Drunk Tom Hanks Ruins Hill Family Reunion
Hanks clams that he was merely "reinacting" a scene from Splash

Decatur, GA - Decatur Police were called to the Oglethorpe State Park on Sunday in response to a disruption of the peace call. Upon arriving at the scene of the call, officers were shocked by what they found.

According to police reports Sgt. Jay Tomlinson encountered none other than half-naked Hollywood megastar Tom Hanks. "When we arrived at the scene, Mr. Hanks was into a heavy argument with two members of the Hill family," Tomlinson said "Apparently Mr. Hanks claimed he saw one of the children mistreating a volleyball."

Whatever the catalyst for the confrontation eye witnesses at the park say that the Oscar winner became very belligerent when he was asked to leave the family gathering. Ida Davis, a second cousin once removed on the Burnett side of the family mentioned that the police were called to the scene after Hanks became verbally abusive. "Little Jeanie May fell and cut her leg while all of the children were playing a game of softball," recalled Davis "Mr. Hanks began yelling at her to ‘Get up!', and told her that ‘There was no crying in family reunion baseball'. What monster of a man. She's seven."

Rumors around Tinsel Town have been rumbling about Tom's mental health since his movie "The Terminal" lost hundreds of millions of dollars and apparently won't garner him yet another Academy Award Nomination. Variety reporter Julie Kasner reported in last week's edition that Hanks had begun "sitting on benches, offering various people chocolates, and telling everyone he just didn't want to be ‘big' anymore." (Editor's note: Permission to use this information was granted on the condition that this article includes a note to Ben Affleck indicating that Mrs. Kasner is now abiding by the restraining order according to the law. And that she's sorry)

The movie star was in the Atlanta area scouting locations for his upcoming sequel to Forrest Gump. Hanks' personal assistant issued a statement claiming full responsibility for letting the actor get away from her. "Both Tom and I are quite sorry for any trouble that may have been caused as a result of my careless behavior. I ran into Starbucks for just a second and left Mr. Hanks in the car by himself. I know better now and will be more careful in the future."

Hill family patriarch Byron Hill was still not consoled almost half a week after the incident. Reclining in his east Atlanta home Hill mentioned that Hanks should "pay some sort of restitution. Hell, he ate three pieces of Virginia's fried chicken and threw up on our tablecloth. We should all at least get a refund on our ticket cost for The Ladykillers."

At press time, charges have yet to be filled against the actor. Police believe they have enough evidence, but Hill is waiting to see "if (Hanks) comes through with them Eddie Murphy autographs."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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