Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Sunday, 22 November 2009

image for X-Factor: The Sun Shines Brilliantly Bright On Geordie Joe McElderry
Cheryl Cole relaxing in her London mansion while her husband is away at football practice.

LONDON - Joe McElderry's singing performance on the latest edition of X-Factor was so good that even the patrons across the street at Little Limey O'Shea's Pub gave the lad from South Shields a standing ovation.

Inside the studio, the entire audience, as well as each one of the four judges stood up and applauded for the 18-year-old singing sensation.

Dannii Minogue liked his performance so much that she called him over to the judges' table and she handed him 20 pounds [$33 U.S.].

She then said that he had stole the show and left all of the other performers standing in his dust, especially the Dublin twins, Jedward who were observed backstage crying like little English school girls.

Louis Walsh said that although Joe was very good he broke a rule by singing a song by Elton John knowing that all of the songs should have been songs by George Michael.

Simon Cowell told Walsh to shut the F up. He caught himself and said that he apologized for cussing but it's just that fat Louie has a way of getting under people's skin.

Cheryl told Simon that now that he had mentioned it, she wanted for him to tell Louis to stop touching her right thigh underneath the judges' table. She said that the first six times it was okay but that now it was getting downright ridiculous especially since she thinks he is downright yucky.

Louis yelled back that why would he bother to touch her right thigh when he could just reach over to the other side and touch Dannii's left thigh underneath the table just as easy.

He smiled and asked Cheryl why she wasn't wearing her wedding ring.

Cheryl told him to shut up and that the reason she was not wearing her wedding ring was because her husband had taken the ring to the jewelers to get it fixed.

Louis asked what was wrong with the ring. Cheryl hit him on his ear and told him that it was none of his nosey posey bloomin' business.

Simon laughed and then he asked Cheryl if she would please stand and show off her cute little pink mini-dress that made her look like a cross between a Soho dominatrix and a Buckingham Palace tour guide.

Cheryl stood up and the audience went crazy screaming and whistling and yelling. One enthusiastic audience member yelled out bend over bird, bend over and let us have a look see at that stunning arse that might not belong to Ashley much longer.

Simon smiled and told her that he wanted for her to move her chair a little bit closer to his. She did as her boss instructed her to do.

"Good girl." Simon remarked. "I will not be firing you after all like I said I was going to do two weeks ago."

Simon then told Joe that his choice of song "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On You." was perhaps the best song choice in the history of song choices.

Joe thanked him and told him that Russell Brand's girlfriend Katy Perry had emailed him and suggested that he sing that song.

Simon then leaned forward and asked Dannii why she had chosen to wear one of her grandmother's dresses.

Dannii said that the dress did not belong to her grandmother. She said that it had been a gift from a certain admirer.

"Russell Brand?"

"No."

"Katy Perry?"

Cowell laughed and told her that he did not care. He did however want to know if she was wearing any underwear. Dannii turned red and said that if he really must know she bloomin' was.

"Color?"

"Lavender."

All four judges did agree that Geordie Joe McElderry has suddenly become the front runner and is now the one to beat.

Meanwhile backstage, Danyl Johnson, aka "Diva" Danyl was overheard telling John and Edward Grimes that if this bullshit keeps up he will end up quitting the effen show and just going back to teaching.

Nineteen year old Stacey Solomon who wore a very short glittering silver and black mini-dress that had revealed an expansive amount of crotch as she sat down on the steps to sing the song "I Can't Make You Love Me" was said to have whispered to herself, "Oh, Danyl, please, please do."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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