Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Sunday, 8 November 2009

image for Cheryl Cole (5'3") and Dannii Minogue (5'2") To Co-Host The Telethon To Benefit Short People
Cheryl in the Cole family backyard jacuzzi. Husband Cole is underwater showing off.

MANCHESTER, England - X-Factor Judges Cheryl Cole and Dannii Minogue will be co-hosting The 1st Annual Telethon To Benefit Short People.

The idea first came to Cole one day when she opened up her kitchen cupboard to get a drinking glass. She said that she stood on her tiptoes and was barely able to reach the glass.

Luckily for her, her husband Chelsea football star Ashley happened to be walking by and he reached up and handed it to her.

Cheryl said that as her husband left the house to go to football practice, she sat on the floor, in her stocking feet, and cried as she prepared some oatmeal raisin cookies. (On the floor? I am sure some readers will ask). Yes, on the floor, somewhat disgusting isn't it. But sometimes when people become filthy rich, they do things like that (go figure, huh?).

As Cheryl sat on the floor preparing her oatmeal raisin cookies she wished and wished that she could be taller, but her wishing was all for naught.

Because when she finally stood up and went into the bathroom to measure her height, she found that she was still the same 5 foot 3 inches she has been all of her adult life.

Cheryl said that she decided to call her good friend and fellow (short) judge Dannii (Minogue) and asked her if she ever experienced the same problem. Dannii replied that she had. She then added that only yesterday she had tried to reach for a Scotch tape dispenser on top of the refrigerator and she couldn't get it.

Minogue said that she had to bring a chair from the dining room, place it in front of the refrigerator, get up on the blimey chair, and then reach out for the effen stapler.

Both women talked for an hour or so about doing something about that 'short' situation. They decided that they would hold a telethon to benefit those individuals, like them, who were on the somewhatish short side.

Cole and Minogue decided to hold the telethon in Manchester since they had read somewhere that for some reason or other the town had a little more than its share of short people.

After talking to the manager of the local television station the two short X-Factor judges were thrilled to announce that they will be co-hosting The 1st Annual Telethon To Benefit Short People on Sunday, December 20, 2009.

Mrs. Cole says that all of the monetary donations will go into the Cheryl and Dannii Fund For The Short. The money will be used to purchase things from insoles for regular shoes to customized dress shoes, work shoes, and work boots with six-inch heels added on.

They will also be working closely with the Nike people to see about making sneakers with four or five inches added on to the soles.

Dannii has already been in contact with Victoria's Secret about their putting out a line of exquisite sandals which can increase a woman's height anywhere from three to eight inches.

Cheryl did express some disappointment when she was told by the United Kingdom's largest manufacturer of flip-flops Ye Old Flippin' Flip-Floppers, Inc. that they would not be able to make a flip-flop with bigger sole due to the liability factor.

Cole and Minogue are excited to report that they have gotten confirmation from several American celebrities who have said that they will be glad to fly to Manchester and participate in their very worthy telethon.

Some of the short Americans who will be appearing include Verne Troyer (Mini-Me) 2'8", Gary Coleman 4'8", Lil' Kim 4'11", Danny DeVito 5'0", Paula Abdul 5'2", and Prince 5'3".

SIDENOTE: Actors Tom Cruise and Dustin Hoffman (who are both fairly short) were also invited to attend but due to prior commitments they had to decline. Cruise is filming the Heinrich Von Zell Nazi epic, Hitler and His Secret Hatred For The Swastika Logo.And Hoffman was busy filming a public service announcement on the importance of neutering your gerbils.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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