Oprah Names 'The Bible' to Book of the Month Club for September

Well, it's that time of the month again for Oprah - Book club time! She's picked her next edition to add to the now famous book club it's the little known but timeless classic- ‘The Bible'.
Divided into two sections (the old testament and the new testament) ‘the bible' is an epic tale of good versus evil, of the little guy rising to the occasion to defeat his adversaries, and of a bunch of homeless people wandering through the desert for forty years.
‘I wanted to pick something different this time', said Oprah, ‘you know, something no one has heard of before. That's when I came across the bible. It's amazing what you find in the drawer of a hotel dresser if you just look.'
The bible promises to expand the horizons of Oprah's book club for a few reasons. First, because it was written a long time ago (one hundred years at least, according to Oprah's publicist) it will give her book club that historical value it has been lacking.
‘For a while there', says June Applebee, Vice president of the book club, ‘we were just picking cheesy, heart-warming stories that we knew most middle-aged housewives wanted to read anyways, but were too lazy to find for themselves. Now we want to open their eyes to something new, something from the other side of the world, something fun, yet serious'
The second reason the bible will add depth to Oprah's book club is because it was written by many people, some who even claimed to be possessed by a ‘holy spirit', a being that is explained in the bible as being ‘sort-of cousin to God, kind of like that unmarried uncle to all humans'. This fact of multiple authors is sure to make the bible appealing to everyone's taste in literature.
Finally, the bible will let Oprah's fans, of which 100% are closet-feminist, self-help addicted, middle aged, sex-starved-but-all-around-wholesome women, really get in touch with their spiritual side.
‘Girlfriends,' said Oprah on her show at the unveiling of her latest selection, ‘this book is going to open you eyes. It is going to show you how hard life is in Saudi Arabia or Greece or wherever they were. And it's going to show you that these people, in times of trouble, just ran away and begged God to save them, much like people do with Dr. Phil over here, except I know this Jesus cat was way more of a hunk than Dr. Phil. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about girls. Mmm-hmm, Woo ya!
This is sure to be an historic and events altering moment as ignorant westerners interpret middle eastern society and beliefs in their own words, using it to conquer the world with vicious force under the thin guise of a noble and divinely chosen destiny, while ostracizing the inhabitants of the book's origin for being violent radicals. Happy reading!