Written by W.P. Wonder
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Monday, 12 October 2009

image for Networks retooling their slogans
This thing have film in it? Or is it digital? I forgot. Lucky I'm union, or I'd be out on my ass.

The ongoing sluggish economy, which has deeply cut into the money advertisers are willing to part with, and the ever widening offering of TV fair, which has stretched and thinned out audiences, has the old guard tinkering with their business plans. The Big Three, plus One, in reaction to this hostile environment (and to each other), have unveiled new slogans.

4th place NBC has reached back into its glory days of yesteryear for inspiration and guidance, shelving its present day motto, More Colorful. It's new catchphrase, NBC, proud as flea's c*ck, candidly, if bafflingly, dovetails with its decision to cut costs by running the cheaply produced Jay Leno show in primetime. "Look," explained NBC CEO and entertainment genius Jeff Zucker, "Leno and his show isn't much in the way of innovation, but it keeps us operating in the black. This new cost conscious approach hardly proves to be proud and impressive as a Peacock, but it'd certainly do an aroused Flea proud."

CBS, vying with FOX for 1st place, is not about to be outdone. It looks to capitalize off one of its star performer's unintentional role as fodder for scandal mongering. Only CBS, yesterday's identity tag, has been expanded upon, becoming now Only CBS . . . has David Letterman, squirming."

Floundering in third place, ABC, wittingly or not, has demonstrated imitation can be one of the sincerest forms of flattery. It too augmented its most recent tagline, ABC, Start Here, and made it into the plaintive call of ABC, Start Here . . . and please stay here!

FOX, not to be caught looking stupid, left out in the cold, holding its d*ck in its hand (an honest to goodness quote from Peter Rice, Chairman of America's most cutting edge, ribald network), tossed the old slogan of SO FOX faster than Paula Abdul tossed yesterday's liquid lunch. FOX then slapped FOX YOU into its promos faster and harder than a red-haired step-child in Harlem could ever imagine having her stupid, ugly head slapped! (Another honest to goodness quote, this time from Kevin Reilly, President of Entertainment.)

Note to Jeff Zucker: "Piss Hard-on" is not synonymous with "Peacock." And why would you think a urine-fueled erection would be impressive?

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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