Written by Football mole
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Topics: TV, Big Brother

Monday, 28 September 2009

Channel 4's flagship programme 'Big Brother' will cruise into the sunset after it airs for the final time next summer.

Only one more dismal, fame-seeking cretin will now be able to join the illustrious list of talentless, publicity-desperate superstar celebrity nobodies that now exist thanks to this television phenomenon.

However, programme chiefs now have their work cut out filling the resulting airspace with something equally, if not, more vacuous, tedious, synapse-dulling and coma-inducingly pointless.

Suggestions that have surfaced among the front runners include a ten-week documentary charting the making of the test card, continuous streaming video footage of a house brick, a three-month looped five-second clip of a fly on a wall or cricket.

BB fans are furious that they have not been consulted about the drop in programming but many are seeing the resultant airtime vacuum as a custom-built replacement for the show itself.

Avid Big Brother viewer Deidre Nolife, 22 said: "When Channel 4 announced that they were axing BB I was totally heartbroken.

"Personally I was at a loss as to what could possibly be dull enough to replace such iconic, gormless inanity, but I think that Channel 4 may have come up trumps with this 'cricket' idea."

Channel 4 spokesman, Ted Dullard said: "We really want bums on seats. None of this 'just nipping to the kitchen to put the kettle on during the ad break' lark.

"The age when the viewing public wanted entertainment, is now well and truly behind us. We intend to give people what they want; mind-numbing, excruciatingly dull but more importantly, pointless and extremely cheap programming."

To give her something to do, Davina McCall has probably been earmarked to host a series of one-day cricket internationals in the event of a successful bid for coverage by the broadcaster.

Action man adventurer, Rick Hardcore-Nutter, 36 confirmed that he had been contacted by Channel 4 to put the new programme idea through its paces under lab conditions.

He said: "I've done a few crazy things in my life but wasn't sure I could take watching cricket for any significant length of time.

"I once enjoyed a fag break while on a shark wrestling trip to the West Indies and accidentally caught sight of some cricket on the telly. After nearly three minutes, my bum actually dropped off I was that bored.

"It truly is a tailor-made replacement for the pure pointless tedium of Big Brother."

However there is a danger that station bosses may take things too far.

Paintdry TV - a public access channel dedicated to rivalling the utter malady of Big Brother - entered administration within 17 minutes of receiving their broadcast license, and ITV's year-long 'watching a plank warp' marathon made people - Mr and Mrs Gnomates of Stockport - switch off in their droves within months of the opening show.

Jade Goody wasn't alive for comment yesterday.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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