Written by Blazing Saddle
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Sunday, 6 September 2009

image for Top Gear Future Assured - We've Moved On Say Jezza And Subo
James May's condom during an inflation test

There has been a spring in Jeremy Clarkson's step since his reconciliation with Susan Boyle.

Several Relate counsellors have burned out in the tortuous negotiations but it is in no small way due to their advice that Jezza and Subo will now walk hand-in-hand into the sunset.

Despite interventions by Richard Hammond - who apparently volunteered to be grafted to Clarkson's groin in a bid to become Dick Hammond - and President Avadmedinnerdad of Iran - who craved Susan Boyle's 48-year-old virginity, and was prepared to become Clarkson's phallus to get it - there was little hope or progress towards a happy conclusion.

Hammond's bid was rejected on the grounds that his penis, harvested after his horrific jet-powered skateboard crash, has been transplanted to make new lips for Pete Burns, while Avadmedinnerdad's offer was rejected on grounds of good taste.

Then James May came to the party.

"Captain Slow" as he is joshingly referred to by his co-presenters, has revealed that his sobriquet is very apt.

Apparently, James May can shag for 124 minutes before ejaculating and his membrum virile is exactly twice the size of the piston of a 1908 De Dion Bouton (this is the kind of trivia in which May excels).

Faced with these revelations, Susan Boyle withdrew her previous objections to Clarkson's conduct and has agreed that, providing she may receive May's attentions once a week during the newly conceived "Star Shagged In The Back Seat Of A Reasonably Priced Car" feature, then she and Jezza will eventually receive the 50th anniversary telegram from Buckingham Palace.

Asked to comment, Jeremey Clarkson said "Subo is a fantastic screw. There's plenty there for May and me. That runt Hammond (why do you think we call him "Hamster"?) will have to wait until Michael Jackson's dick, which he has bought on Ebay is delivered - then we will have the traditional fourball".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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